My Bubble Of Antidepressants And Shrine Of Problematic Events

II

'But you can't stop DNA'.

- Lia Marie Johnson, DNA

<~>

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, I can understand that, I respect that, I value the moral, the understandable figurative rule.
My opinion is that I'd fallen head over heels for a seventeen year old boy I barely knew, and he was most definitely easy on the eyes, sparkled a burning sensation deep inside.  A piece of me loved it, also a piece equally resented the fact I'd been attracted to you, not because it was now making me question my sexuality (Keeping in mind I hadn't come out yet), not because I'd have to come out eventually or silently scream inside, not because I was afraid of getting hurt, once again. No.
Because I have something called the 'Manifestation Curse', a horrible snakelike charm that forever enraptures me.
The curse is simple, easy to understand the blueprints, comprehend the fine print. Basically, on the rarest of rare occasions (Rarer then most) the crush manifests at a crazy speed. Take someone who's free from the curse has twenty crushes and you have one.
You feel the weight of twenty crushes, the weight pulls you down, brings you to the ground. It's really horrible in reality, especially when you've self-diagnosed it and you can't help but not want to fall for that someone heavily. This case is even harder when you're a teenager, after all.
Hormones are both a blessing, and easily a curse.

<~>

Before I'd come to the terms, the blatant obvious truth of reality that I'd so easily denied before I was in a stage of continuing question, a state of shock and disbelief.
I couldn't get him out of my mind, at first it was his words, the way he identified, then it was to the features in his face, I could now so easily engrave into the pine of a tree.
I desperately attempted in drowning the flame, extinguishing the fire that erupted inside of me, after all I didn't want to start a chaotic war inside of me.
I already had enough of that for a seemingly endless eternity, for the entirety of my existence that I'd experienced in the past years, in the to come months.
After all, life isn't saturated in bliss, drowning in euphoria so much that it bubbles away. No, my life was much more difficult, incapable of comprehension.
Still, I tried.

<~>

I lived in a loving home, that was the masquerade I featured daily, a mask to hide away my life, to disguise my coexisting disparity.
I was living in a life of unknowing, in the shadows of lies and consistent deceit. A life I know longer craved, why, you may ask. Here is the majority of the points:
1. I was living in the shadows of depression, seeking the need of salvation through a blade that carved and I needn't craved.
2. I was number one on the bullying list, consistent, never ending slur of words created a dancing tango of unimportance that forever washed over me.
3. I was now questioning my sexuality, my sexual orientation had been questioned for years, but by me? Never. Clearly that changed,
4. And four, the fourth is the toughest to come out with, the one I never desired, one that forever conspired and rewired the strings inside of my shrapnel struck heart. My mother, loving mother slowly had changed in front of me, her once tenderness replaced with a lathered sensation of anger, hatred and horrific pain.
My mother was living in deniability, a life of where she lied in which I couldn't fathom, couldn't understand why.
That's when I came to the heart crushing conclusion, the morbid resolution.
My mother had a mental disorder, in which she refused to see.

<~>

It was at school were I felt the most of you, even when I had something on my mind you were always barging down the doors demanding my full attention, and naturally, you got it.
I was in the middle of lunch, I hung with a band of so called 'friends' when everything changed, suddenly the weight on my heart, the creature eating away at my brain had a label, an understanding.
It wasn't the fact I was shocked by your words of that nightmare, jot bemused by the fact you found Trump worthy or anything other like that. I realised the painful thought.
It was there I died, and it ''twas also there I was resurrected in a span of a moment that changed a lifetime.
I wasn't just thinking you, of your bravery.
I'd fallen under a charm, a wicked spell of infatuation.
There was one thought I remember recollecting, when I realised the seriousness, the sudden truth his me with an onomatopoeic 'pang'.
'Well, I, James, am officially fucked!'

<~>

That day was especially hard at home, I entered the doors to a shout, a whispered cry, a tiny whimper-like shriek manifesting to a battlefield war cry. I sauntered up the halls of echoes within a countless feat of seconds.
Broken plates, pieces of shard, a water drop trickle from a smashed glass of clear liquid.
That's when I saw her, my mother.
'No, not my mother,' I think now, as I'm transported to the living moment.
Someone, something new that I never would desire.
'You! You're an absolute monster!' She'd screamed, her finger pointing at the general direction of someone.
Of me.
'Isn't exactly a warming welcome home,' I joke now, then it was serious, then I froze, my heart spiked at a fevered speed.
Blurred pictures, a tangled shrill, a salty bead escaped from me.
'Please,' was all that escaped my hollow throat, my word cut the air. Her reaction was as if my word had slit her throat.
'Please! Please!' She cried, mimicking my frightened, disappointed tune.
The next words broke my heart, DNA inside of me boiled, my heart faltered.
'You were meant to be an abortion.'

<~>

Two hours later who would've guessed we'd be sitting down at a table eating the food she cooked, the tension was thick in the air.
Then, it was then she spoke to me, who knew a single moment could fracture away inside of me.
'So, how was your day darling?'

<~>

Author's Jumble

Hey Everyone,
So, there's the newest of chappies, is it any good.
I'd love some feedback, if you would make me happy do feel free to click the box and tell me of what you like/dislike about it.
Also, I don't know bout you, but I fucking love stars? Do you?
If you do show your appreciation to stars by clicking the one below, lol.
Thanks again, also, check out DNA, by Lisa Marie Johnson.
It's my love ❤️

Peace,

Jamez.Kri,er