As soon as I got to my laptop, the first thing I did was type Agust D into the Google search bar. I scrolled and clicked on a webpage that had his mixtape. As I listened to the harshness of his voice as he tore through his verse in Agust D, he spoke of wanting more success in Give it to me, but when I got to the track-the last. He spoke of being in a dark place not knowing who he was, he tore at his own self esteem. He looked inside himself and he couldn't find anything. He was just a vessel. I laid my head down onto my desk, and started to cry. The song continued to play and his voice sounded as if he was replaying those memories in his head. I looked up at the ceiling and the song went on again since I had it on repeat. I looked up at the ceiling, and felt a tear trail down my cheek. How can someone so young as he go through so much pain and not tell anyone? How do you keep all that anger inside of you? Yoongi. How did you do it?
The next night
It was 11pm and I was wondering around the bighit studio, after listening to more of Hyerins demos. I decided to go the kitchen and make something to eat. I stepped into the kitchen, and opened up the cupboards. One was filled with potato chips, the next was packed with different types of ramen. I got onto my tiptoes and reached for the spicy seafood packet. As I went for the ramen, I felt someones arm wrap around my waist and pull me back down. They leant their head onto my shoulder and his lips pressed against my ear.
"What are you doing?"
My breathing hitched in my throat, I turned around and stared in his eyes. Before I could scream at him his lips covered mine, he pushed me up against the worktop. He pressed his arousal against me and his tongue entwined with mine. I was burning up, his hand ran up my shirt over my
breast. He squeezed it and smiled against my lips, "do you remember how it felt last time?" I moaned unwillingly and felt his lips move to my neck and his hand massaged my breast.
No. This feeling. It's wrong.
His tongue went across my collarbone and across my cleavage.
No!
I pushed his head away from me, he looked up with surprised eyes.
"Don't look at me like that. Do you think I've forgiven you for what you did to me?" I shouted at him, whilst fixing my shirt.
"Did you have to ruin this moment?" His words were slightly slurred and I knew that he was tipsy, that pissed me off even more. Reminding me of the first moment I encountered him.
"You drunk asshole. That's all you can do, drink away your sorrows and use me as your fucking sex toy!" I curse him and I can tell that my words had an effect on him, his face became stiff and I quickly regretted the words that had came out of my mouth.
"So you don't want me. You don't want to take me here and now. What are these emotions? You're hilarious how do you feel this way about a man that you don't even know," he took steps towards me as he spoke and we were back to our original position. I could smell the soju in his breath and my eyes stung with the tears that I was holding back.
"I listened to your mixtape"
He looked at me before looking down at the ground.
"Your a broken man,"
When he looked up at me, my heart skipped a few beats.
"Fix me," he whispered and his lips met mine. When he pulled away he took me in the direction of his room. He kicked the door open, his lips traced kisses down to my shoulders.
"You're beautiful"
I hated him for the way he made me feel, I was under his spell. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't stop him from undoing my blouse or when he slid his hand into my jeans. Once again I let him take me into his arms and we became one. There was no end or beginning.
"You're going to have to be quiet," he whispered. His words meant nothing as he started to move within me, I gripped his back and he pressed his lips against mine to muffle my moans. It felt as if all our frustration had been released and we were finally where we were meant to be.
I laid on his chest listening to his heartbeat, his fingers played in my hair.
"Maya, do you know what it is like to look at yourself and feel nothing? What it is like to not care anymore? Where each day it didnt bother you if you were going to survive or not?" Yoongi whispered agaibst my head. "That was me for a very long time. I didn't know who was and my parents struggled with wondering where Min Yoongi was. Min Yoongi was dead, I was just a vessel. When I first started to perform with the boys, I couldn't enjoy the love from my fans. I had this resentment and anger, that I wanted to kick the ones who told me that I'd become nothing, the ones who told me I'd die in a nut house. I wanted my fame to be a knife to their throat,"
He twisted his body towards me so that he was facing me. He brought his hand to my cheek, "all these thoughts ran through my head. It was as if I was possessed. But now I thank God for BTS. These boys make me feel like I belong and through writing songs I'm able to cast out these damning thoughts." He starts smiling and he leans his forehead against mine, " I guess that there are some people in this world that reminds me that my life is worth living"
