Turtle's Thursday Thoughts

The First Thursday

Hello my peeps! Welcome to the first ravings of a lunatic. I created this, because the end of the week is hard. When its almost Friday and you just want to go home there's not much you can do. So if a stranger that's typing away in the dark can help ease the pain of a crumby Thursday by sharing their randomness, its better than nothing.

I know you're probably thinking "What have I stumbled upon?" or "How did I even find this?" or my personal favorite "Who is this sick twisted psycho?" so I'd like to answer those questions here and now.

What have I stumbled upon: It's a collection of thoughts, theories, and completely true tales that are posted every Thursday. They will make you laugh and they will make you cry..... from laughing.

How did I even find this: Well, I'm not exactly sure. You tell me.

Who is this sick twisted psycho: The answer to that my dears is a simple one. Hi, I'm Turtle. Well of course its not my actual name, but that's my personal information you nosey beast. I have a sick sense of humor, a mind that goes a million miles a minute, and a wicked tongue that would scare even the sassiest of flamboyantly gay flight attendants.  

Speaking of flight attendants, that's what I'm doing today. Haha, I mean I'm not doing a flight attendant, but I am going on a plane. It's currently 6:13 in the morning and I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my plane to board. I'm hungry, tired, and my leg is asleep, but I'm not going to let any of that stop me from participating in my favorite airport activity. People watching. I am an expert in this field and today, you're joining me.

I picked the perfect seat to scope out the room without being too noticeable. I have my computer out, duh, and some coffee in hand to blend in. Now, picture this: two middle aged people. The one in the red sweater is male, and the one in the awkward cardigan is female. I'm like 83% sure they just met. Wait a sec..... *zooms in* *and by zooms in means looks closer* neither of them have wedding rings on, so suspicions probably confirmed.

Okay, I've been watching them for a little while and they're being super cute. He bought her a juice box. I'm also pretty sure he's an accountant, because he's been talking about number stuff for a while. Ooooh, awkward cardigan lady just said a older person flirty thing. Awwwww, I ship it. Oh no. No no no no no. I've been spotted. Abort mission! Abort! Oh my hajeebes I am actually moving my seat now cause I had no idea a probably 57 year old woman could stab me from across the room with just her eyes.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I'll be putting my thoughts on here throughout the week so, bye my dudes. I shall see you next Thursday. And by see you I really mean, type this up all week and then fling it into the abyss of the internet in the hopes that one day someone will not have a crap Thursday. Later man.

******************************

Welcome to my Thought Corner. It's a very scary place, but also a fantabulous one. And now for your program:

So, I was laying in bed trying to sleep when the Beauty and the Beast song came into my head. I don't know why, I haven't watched it since that one time a few months ago when Ryn and I watched it, but it came into my head anyway. And then I started thinking about Mrs Potts. She's probably right at the age where she has to go through menopause and they were objects for ten years. If I'm not mistaken that probably means that she didn't have to go through it. She just skipped over it like BOOM, don't even have to worry about that. Like I get that being an object sucks and all, but I bet she was pretty happy when she realized she skipped it entirely. Just saying.

Also they never said there wasn't perks to being objects. I mean like Mrs Potts for example, no menopause. And what about Lumieer. He had fire hands, who wouldn't want fire hands. And Codsworth ALWAYS knew what time it was. I think that's pretty awesome. I'd rather have fire hands though.

Haha, I just thought of a funny. Okay, here it goes: Menopause? You mean menopaused. Well, this is how we know it's too late. Goodnight my darlings.

********************************

I don't have much to say today other than admitting a dirty secret of mine. *activates whisper voice* Sometimes I forget how doors work. *deactivates whisper voice* THERE! I said it. Now the reason I bring this up is because I had a little incident. I think Story Time is coming on so sit down and shut up.

So, it was late. I had just said farewell to the fantastic people at the cast party (Yes, I was in a play. I was in 12 Angry Jurors. It was great. For those who don't know what 12 Angry Jurors is, it's a play that's the mixed gender version of 12 Angry Men. For those who don't know what that is, I'm sure you have Google. Go educate yourself.) So, I was just leaving the cast party when what do you know, the door doesn't work. It's winter so I just assume it has frozen shut again. Being the reasonable person that I am I come up with the only possible solution: to slam my body against it until it opens. I fling myself against it and it HURT! Like it really really really hurt. I manage to compose myself and walk back into the cast party. They were all like "I thought you left." And I was like "Well I tried, but I think the door is stuck. Could somebody possibly find it in the kindness of their heart to help me get the heck out of here?" Everyone sits down, except for this one guy who played Juror 3. He's absolutely gorgeous and a total gentleman, but alas I am but a lonely hag so that will never happen. Anyway he walks out to the lobby and puts his hand on the doorknob and I'm thinking "Oh yay, he's going to free me." And then guess what. I bet you already know what happened.....

Yes Miss Marple, you are correct. It was a pull door. It was a pull door that opened on the first try and made me look like an idiot. *shakes fist in the air* Curse you pull door! Curse you!

Well now that you know my secret and my tale has ended, farewell.

*************************

Today I woke up to the sad realization that my shower has only 2 settings.

1. The waters of the Arctic come rushing down upon  your head. Beware of sea lions. They may come bursting out of your shower head and eat you because they think you look like a human popsicle.

Or

2. Satan is summoned in your shower. He cackles in your ear and then licks your back seductively whilst dumping boiling acid on your head.

Pick your poison. Those are the only options.

*************************

Today I was watching Series of Unfortunate Events. It's great and Neil Patrick Harris stars as Count Olaf. (It's on Netflix in case you were wondering.) And I was thinking about how idiotic Count Olaf's plan is.

Since gay marriage is legal now he could have just married Klaus and then killed Violet automatically claiming their fortune. I know what you're thinking. Klaus would never agree to that. Hmm, I'm just thinking that he might say yes if he was persuaded a bit.

Count Olaf: Get in here orphans.

Violet/Klaus/Sunny: Sup.

Count Olaf: I want to propose something.

Violet/Klaus/Sunny: What?

Count Olaf: *kneels and flourishes a giant encyclopedia from behind his back* Klaus, would you like the great pleasure of having me as your husband?

Klaus: *starts sweating*

Violet: No Klaus! Don't give into your love for books!

Klaus: *nervously itches the back of his neck* But Violet, look at how big that encyclopedia is!

Violet: NO!

Klaus: *guiltily takes encyclopedia* I'm sorry Violet. He's knows my weakness.

Sunny: YFYYFXUSHDSK!

It would have turned out much differently if this had happened. See you next Thursday!