This Is How I Disappear
"Hey Joe?"
"Hey. What's up?"
"Do you think it's possible. That maybe if you pretend that you're okay for long enough, you start feeling okay?"
"I tried it for a while and it seemed to work. I don't really know."
"So then do you think it's possible that if you keep pretending that you don't exist... Maybe you start to feel like you aren't really here anymore?"
"Because sometimes I feel like that. And I think that it's actually worse than the pain."
"Oh baby..."
"It's okay though. That's how it usually is."
"I'm sorry"
I feel like a ghost. I'm here. I can see and hear everything that's going on. But I'm floating around instead of interacting and no matter how hard I try I can't make contact. I feel empty and light as a feather, but an anchor weighs me down and refuses to let me leave. To let me find my peace.
I want to be a part of something. I want nothing more than to be included and feel loved. But I seem invisible to everyone.
Is it better this way? If I don't exist does it mean that I can't hurt anybody? I don't know anymore. And what scares me is that I don't think I want to know.
I hate myself. I hate myself for hating myself. And I hate that self for having to hate myself. I just want it to end. But at the same time, I don't really want to leave.
