Can you believe that the last time I wrote something down here was the 20th of January? That seems like so long ago. I guess it was I mean, it's the 26th of September now so that's like 8 months or something?
God so much has changed. I wish you weren't away. I know it's only five days but I feel so useless. I don't know what to do when you're not around, and I feel so alone when I'm not talking to you. Not like we really talk much if at all nowadays anyway. God, so much has changed.
Quick recap of the last 8 months, huh? Let's see... Started cutting sometime in March. Kissed you and freaked out. Went out with Luke for all of about four days back in April and let him break my heart. *Great* first relationship. Remind me never to do that again.
Got suspended for drinking on the first of May, or well really I guess it was for getting caught. (Missed your birthday because of that, I still feel terrible). We both did that one... I know you keep saying it's something we'll laugh about later, hell you're already laughing about it, but every time someone brings it up I feel like bursting into tears. Dad got a job. Started on the same day we got suspended.
What else happened? Kissed you some more. Went thrift shopping with you and made out in the middle of Vinnies while fighting over a blink CD. I don't think I ever felt more satisfied and happy than that moment right there. I mean sure Luke was a good kisser but that was definitely the best kiss. (Have I mentioned to you lately that I've been missing the taste of your lips and how good they felt pressed against mine? Probably not. I mean you have a girlfriend and you'd stop talking to me, provided you stopped ignoring me for long enough to listen anyway).
What next? You started going out with Chay. I started talking to Gus. Gus stopped talking to me. Tim asked me out well kind of and I said no. It seems he hates me now and a lot of the time I feel like you agree with him.
Something somewhere in between happened and you stopped caring about me. You don't talk to me anymore. Not really. Not the way you used to. It hurts and at the same time I'm terrified because I feel like I'm losing you and I'm so so scared of losing my one and only best friend.
I told Raine I liked him and made a total fool of myself. At least that rejection wasn't as brutal as Ben M, even if he is blunt. Ben D thinks Raine's a dick. Big mess about formal with Luke and Raine. I'm taking Raine to the formal. Raine got a girlfriend. That stings a bit.
You're still going out with Chay. You say you're happy but you seem angry or pissed and ready to disappear (either temporarily or permanently I can't tell anymore) all the time.
I can't bring myself to hate Luke because I still miss him. Thinking about Raine stings a bit but I guess I didn't even really like him in the first place. I just needed a distraction. Oh yeah Em's still a friend I guess but she doesn't think I care. Mollie doesn't talk to me much anymore even though she and Em are both going to soundwave next year with me.
I hope you come along too even though I know you'll bring Chay if you do come. Kate barely speaks to me. She doesn't like me very much anymore I don't think. All your messages to me - that is when you can be bothered - are half hearted and you couldn't seem to care less about my existence.
I miss you. I love you.
You don't even like me back ...
Oh and I've never been more miserable.
