I hate being away from you. It means that I'm alone again and I hate being alone. It gives me too much time to think. Today wasn't too bad. At first anyway.
I was working on that new piece I started yesterday, the one with all the playing cards. Just sitting there listening to music, glueing everything together for hours. It was repetitive, but I didn't really think about you too much.
In that sense I guess it was a lot better than the last time you went away. Then again that was for 4 days, this time it's a whole week. It wasn't too bad until I started packing for tomorrow. I don't really want to go, since I don't really like the beach that much but I guess it could be fun. I wish you would've told me to stay strong or something, so I'd have something to hold on to...
Then again, you were pretty upset and you were already so worried about having to leave. I'm hate how selfish I am. I can't seem to stop even though I know what I'm doing.
I guess comfort is like a drug in that sense. You grow so dependant on it... Addicted.
I had to go through my old suitcase so that I could put all my stuff in it... That was bad.
It had my old figure skates, those cut off gloves I thought I lost, some French notes from 8th grade, old gym tickets, library receipts ... I know I gradually stopped all that because I wasn't happy anymore, but it kinda made me think of that time when it used to make me happy, but I still miss it all.
I used to do so much and now, I do nothing... It just makes me wonder what the last few years would've been like if I hadn't been sad. And that makes me wonder if I'd not be happy now if I hadn't met you. Or if I'd even be here ... It's scary to think about. I don't like it.
My big iPod Classic - the 160GB one I got when I was like 10, that held all my music - died too. That sucked. It's kinda sad, cause I really loved that old thing. It's been with me for almost 6 years through three different countries, getting me through so many ups and downs...
I had to dig around for that cracked iPod touch my cousin left me when she got her phone... I was clearing it out so I could put some music on it when I found some old pictures. Screen shots mostly, since it's one of those old ones you can't take photo's on...
There was a whole bunch of screenshots of old conversations. I thought I'd gotten rid of them all when my old phone died, but apparently not. I guess the past always finds ways to come back and haunt you.
It was nothing really. Just small things I'd taken screenshots of that used to make me happy - people saying goodnight on Facebook and this band guy I had a massive crush on saying Happy Birthday to me on twitter - sorta like how I take screenshots of you're morning selfies and those little "You'll be okay, Ily xxx" messages.They were all really cute things, like guys staying up to midnight to talk to me, or some one I really liked actually acknowledging my existence... But it just brought back so many memories.
In retrospect, I was probably the most obvious, pushy 13 year old ever. I feel embarrassed and stupid just looking over all that shit again. But that's not really news anyway... It just kinda made me think of how all those guys left. I hope I'm not that pushy anymore... I don't want to scare you away. I wish I could say that I've changed, and in some ways I have, but for the bulk of it - all the stupid things I do and all my flaws - I think I'm sadly, still the same. I don't want you to leave. Please don't disappear, because I don't know what I'd do without you.
I miss you so much.
