First

17. Terminus

I didn't cry. There were no tears, not where I was. There was just a whole lot of nothing.

Sam left, declining Kyle's offer to get him anything.

I sunk to the floor. I was vaguely aware of Kyle grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around my shoulders, sitting with me on the cold tile. He was saying something. I have no idea what.

Part of me was terrifyingly calm. Planning out what we should do first. I'd seen people die in movies, and read about it in books. I'd cry, usually, but I could look away from the screen or the page, blinking until my vision cleared again, reminding myself that it wasn't real. It was just a story. Everything was fine.

This was the same thing.

There will be some sort of plot twist... it was all a dream... all a bad joke.

There was no way Jesse was dead.

I have no idea how long Kyle sat with me; no idea what he said to get me to my feet again. Somehow we made our way to Scott and Jesse's dorm. I don't remember walking there. Their door was closed, but across the hall their neighbour had their door open. 

Faces swam before my eyes. People were packed into the room like chips in a Pringles can. Greg. Khaled. Amit. David. Darren. Phillip. Mariah. A bunch more whose names wouldn't come to me. Kyle and I were welcomed silently inside.

The couch was full. Everyone was in shock I think. It was dead quiet.

I sat on the floor next to Kyle. Waiting. We could hear someone talking in one of the bedrooms, but the door was closed.

When the door opened, Ryan emerged, clicking his phone off.

"Scott's in the hospital but he's going to be fine," he said dully.

Greg put his head in his hands.

"What happened?" Khaled asked. His eyes were bloodshot.

Ryan stared down at his phone as he answered. "They went to get more drinks," he told his closed fist. "They weren't drunk. They went before we opened anything. They were gone for hours, but I just figured they got distracted."

They mustn't have gone to Duke's I realized dully. They must have figured it was too cold and decided to have a dorm party instead. The pile of empty beer cans spilling out of the sink indicated as much.

Ryan sniffed angrily, making a snorting noise that would have made us laugh any other time. Today, no one commented.

"They hit ice under the bridge. Hit a pole."

Kyle's hand tightened on my knee. I think Mariah saw. Normally I would have worried what she would think. Today, it didn't even register.

I closed my eyes, unable to keep myself from imagining the impact. Shattered glass. A metal pole. A morbid curiosity made me wonder exactly how it had happened. How it worked...

Did it hurt to die? Had Jesse suffered? Had he been scared? Had he fought to stay with us, or did he go willingly into death's arms?

"We should go see Scott," Kyle said. "I can't even imagine how he must be feeling."

Everyone agreed. We threw coats on overtop of whatever we'd been wearing and made our way in cabs to the hospital. It was too early for the trains to run. Some kids were in pajamas. A few girls wore parkas over short skirts, shivering as snow melted on their bare legs.

The hospital was dimly lit. It was still very early in the morning. The herd of us shuffled down a wide hall, trying not to disturb patients hidden behind hanging curtains.