To Collocate The Stars

eight

Paradigm Shift

Perhaps it was then that I realized you were nothing more than a human being like me, flawed and problematic.  

Perhaps I didn't, and still don't fucking care.

Perhaps the time you left for the first time was the same time I noticed something was wrong.

Perhaps it was then that I fell for you; not in love, but in like. In like with your brain, your personality, your enveloping warmth that radiated from your very being.

Perhaps it was then that I realized I wanted to help you, that I wanted to say something, anything, to make you happy again, even though I know that's not how depression works.

Perhaps this is what it was like to be on the receiving end of the emotions I put you through. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be because this is about you, not me. 

Perhaps I would love nothing more but to sit in a room with you and for once not have to say something. I just want to hear your rhythmic heart beats telling me that you're here, you're not a figment of my imagination. 

Perhaps we could go back to that time when we graffitied playgrounds and raced along dirt highways. And then I'd fall and you'd pick me up off the ground like it was nothing because it was nothing. We were kids and we were blissfully unaware of the bittersweet hand we'd been dealt and didn't know the first thing about what our futures held. 

Perhaps we were just "living in the days of life handing us shitty times", but you need the bad to know when the good comes around. 

Perhaps you don't feel it now because of the chemicals in your brain (and you can't change what's in your brain), but you mean the world to me. Scratch that; you mean more than all of the stars to me. Between you and Canis Major, I'd take you and your fucked up chemicals in a heartbeat. 

So I swear to God kiddo if you do what I know you're thinking about doing, so help me I will never forgive you. You're supposed to be the strong one here. Remember?

Perhaps it was then that I realized I don't make jokes so you will think I'm funny, but to make you smile, for it is a rare occurrence, and therefore a blessing.

~~~

a/n.

double update because I feel bad for not updating WHOOPS. I feel like this was an okay poem...don't think I really like it, though. I think there's only gonna be one other chapter so thanks for reading. 

                     -M.W.