let you know

him

I MISSED HIM, it wasn't worth denying it.

I often lied to myself and said that he wasn't worth my time if he wasn't going to stay, but at night, when I'm finally tucked under my sheets and blanketed in darkness and soft moonlight, my head only gathers thoughts about him.

How his side profile always sent me into a new world of wonder. How his eyes were so dark anyone could've mistaken it for black, but it was actually dark brown with gorgeous specks of gold that I adore. How his hands were too large for my own to fit in his, but he loved holding my hand anyway. How he flashed a smile for a split second before it disappeared again when he knew we weren't supposed to talk. How his tan skin seemed to belong to a greek god under any kind of light. How his hugs always almost suffocate me and threaten to break my ribs, but I loved being close to him. How he grumbled when I called him 'baby', saying it was too sweet and he couldn't take it without touching me. How he sent a text every morning and night to say good morning and good night.

I'm sorry if it's too long, I just find everything about him so precious and endearing.

Now that I don't have him, I realize I should have relished in his embrace longer than I did. I regret not staring and appreciating his looks, I regret not gazing into his dusty gold eyes, I regret not kissing his knuckles whenever he squeezed my hands, I regret not returning the short smile he often gave, I regret not pressing my lips against his skin every chance I got, I regret not pulling him back for a longer hug when he released me from his embrace, I regret not whining like he did whenever he called me 'love' or 'baby' or 'my girl' because I loved how shy and vulnerable he sounded and I'm sure he would've liked it too, I regret most of all not telling him I loved every inch of him with all my fucking heart and holding him in my arms like I used to every single day.

I don't regret loving him,
I don't regret meeting him,
I don't regret wanting him,
I don't regret accepting him,
But I regret leaving him.

I can only cross my fingers and wish he would meet someone who appreciates him the way I appreciate him now, after losing the love of my life, and know that she has the most wonderful thing in her hands and she should never let him go no matter what happens. If I had a second chance, I would take my steps carefully and hold him like he was made of glass. I would've never lashed out at him and made him leave. I would've never let him turn so cold and finally push me out of the picture.

If I could throw away my pride and tell him how much I miss him and how sorry I am, I would.

I just think he doesn't want anything to do with me after all I've done, and I can tell by the way he never meets my eyes or avoids me when I walk by or skips over any topic concerning me— he doesn't want me anymore.

And I just want my heart back, but I know that if he ever needs another for when his is broken, mine will be right there with open arms.

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i'm lovesick