All of Me

5

Demi

I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known
How to save a life

A thick layer of glass is what's standing between me and my unconscious daughter. I stare numbly at the wires coming out of every outing, keeping her alive. If one simple wire fails to do it's job, I lose her forever.

"I just want to touch her," my breath fogged up the glass making it impossible for me to see Alaskas face.

I shouldn't be here. Alaska shouldn't be here. We should be at home, arguing over the movie we want to watch next. Ella should be playing her piano over and over until she gets it perfect. Wilmer should be jumping room to room, showing equal amounts of attention to our two girls.

We shouldn't be in the intensive care unit.

"He said she was fine," I spoke to Wilmer, wiping away the smudge so I could see her clearly.

"Indeed I did," the doctor approached us, staring right alongside of me.

"That isn't fine. Her looking like a robot isn't fine. She.. she isn't fine." I argued in anger.

"Actually, id consider yourself lucky. You have the money for the surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. She had a tumor we could remove. Eventually, she'll be okay. Some families have no option but to watch their child wither away. You sound pretty selfish if you ask me," he nodded his head at Wilmer before walking away.

I felt like he punched me in the gut. It wasn't until now I realize how lucky we are that the doctors can control the tumor. It could be much, much, worse than this.

But even though it could be worse, it doesn't mean that what happening now isn't horrible.

"Come on, Demi.." Wilmer said, gently placing his hand on my lower back, "We have to eat something."

I know he's right but I don't want to budge. "I think-"

"Come on. She isn't going to wake up for hours and even when she does, we won't be able to see her for hours after that." 

My stomach grumbles at the thought of food, but I'm so upset I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep it down. Nevertheless, I let my eyes linger on Alaska for a few moments before turning away.

Wilmer led me through the never ending corridors in silence with the exception of shoe soles hitting the ground. When we reached the cafeteria, I grabbed a trey and eyed all the unappetizing food. Nothing looks worth forcing down my throat.

After what felt like forever just standing there, Wilmer called from the cash register, waving me over. "Demi."

"I-I haven't picked anything out yet," I stuck my arms out so he could see my empty tray.

"I got your food," he said, "Go find us a seat."

I sighed in relief, eager to get out of here. I've always battled with food and it never ceases to come back full force when my anxiety is at its peak. Wilmer is the only person that can read my mind better than I can. My heart, if possible, feels even heavier knowing I let our marriage slip from my finger tips.

"I got you a mini salad with no dressing, crackers, and a banana," Wilmer said, taking a seat across from me at the secluded table I got us.

"Thank you," my arms feel like they're ten pounds each from the sleep deprivation.

"I don't know what the situation is going to be like tomorrow, but around two I have to take Ella to soccer practice," Wilmer said right before shoving a forkful of greens in his mouth.