Flirt - Phan

Nice ass

;phil

i'm really shy and awkward, resulting in most people hating me, or me embarrassing myself.

now when i say i'm awkward i'm not trying to be relatable, i literally am the human embodiment of awkwardness.

for instance, one time when i went to order a coffee and a biscuit at starbucks and i got in line behind a man with the same order. i zoned out because of the long line and started to break apart my biscuit and ate the tiny pieces. by the time the man in front of me reached the front of the line the biscuit had obviously been nibbled on. i heard yelling and i snapped back in reality realising that the biscuit was in fact his biscuit and he thought the waiter ate part of it because he didn't like him or something. i panicked and being the awkward person i am, i did nothing and watched the poor barista get fired because of me. 

if you thought that was bad it gets worse. i ran into the barista when i was leaving the store, making me really nervous, because unknowing to him i was the one that got him fired. he said a joke, probably flirting with me, and i laughed harder than necessary, i was so incredibly guilty and nervous i peed myself a little. (ok a lot) the barista was uncomfortable with my unnecessary laughing, looking down at his feet, unfortunately seeing my wet pants. he started laughing because of the pee and just looked at me. so to try and make it less awkward i said my dog peed on my pants. my dog. i don't even have a dog, why does my brain come up with these things? so in complete embarrassment i ran out of the store, leaving the coffee and biscuit i came there for. 

this is what i mean. i'm not cute awkward, i'm just pathetic.

so of course when i see the adorable boy at the record store, i try to flirt. see, i normally never flirt because i am so bad at it, but this boy is too hot to not talk to. 

he is a few inches taller than me, with dark brown hair in the same style as mine but swept to the other side. his eyes are glowing with excitement at the album he is reading the back of. he is wearing all black, but i don't feel like he is sad, just that he likes the color black. he also has a nice ass if i do say so myself. 

i look around the store, making sure we are the only ones there incase i inevitably mess up, if any store clerks or people saw me fail at flirting i could never come here again, which would be a shame considering this is my favorite shop.

I clear my throat and think of something to say, before saying this.

"Are you a large mass? Because a-according to the L-l-law of Universal Gravitation I a-attractive. I-I mean nice ass?"

after saying that i bolted out, being the most embarrassed  i have ever been in my whole life.

what was that! let assess what i just said. ok, so first i used a nerdy pick-up line and called him fat unintentionally, then i stuttered, then i... nevermind i don't want to recap anymore.

the good part is he didn't look up or notice me saying that horrible pickup line, so maybe i can try again. 

and maybe i can formulate some sort of good pick-up line by then.

//I love writing this book, if you were wondering some of this is based of real life. I did in fact pee myself talking to someone and I got someone fired. Oh it was so bad, I haven't been to that store since. Feel free to laugh at me in the comments, I want to hear other people's stories too, I feel alone in a world of socially acceptable people.//