^ I listened to this while writing! Very good right??
Your POV
The darkness of your dream faded to light as you woke up. You were so tired, but you were already hurt enough to have soldier beat your ass. 'Maybe I'll be lucky today!' You thought as you rolled over to the bedside table. You saw the lamp and a shiny revolver gun with bullets around it. You sat up on the edge of the bed and took a bullet and the gun, loading 1 bullet in the chamber. You put the roll back in and spun it.
You placed the barrel of the gun to your head as you had thought of how lucky you would be if the bullet went right through your head. You pulled the trigger....*click!* ugh...nothing again. "Why can't the bullet just-? Ugh..." You say quietly to yourself. "You know what?! Let's change it up. I'll try again. But with two bullets!" You load another bullet, ready to finally end it.
You pull the trigger. *click!* "Fuck! I give up.." you put the revolver down and went downstairs to get breakfast. You trudged over to a seat you saw was open between demo and medic. "Eh...frau? Are jou ok..? Jou dont look so gut..." "yup. Im fine...just tired." He nods and leaves you be.
You are handed a plate of waffles and a cup of coffee. You eat your breakfast and go back to your room. Everyone knows how you like to be left alone, and how you tend to coop yourself up in your room. What the didnt know, when you were like that, you were cutting or crying, or both. Sometimes you just stop and think.
'God. If there even is a god left...if your listening...why did you pick me of billions of people to make my life so...so-'
and thats usually when you would stop and start cutting mercilessly. You got in and sat on your bed just staring into nothing. You ran out of tears to shed days ago. Atleast thats what you thought, as tears started to fall down your cheeks. "Why do you do this to me god?...No. You know what? Fuck you. All you've done is the opposite of what your supposed to do!" You grab your butterfly knife from the bedside Table drawer and flip it open as Quick as possible so you can try for the millionth time to test if your problems go away with your blood.
You were just about to drag the sharp steel across your skin when you heard a knock. "Go away scout. I don't wish to watch you gloat about yourself." "Its me mon ami." You sighed and put the gun and knife in the drawer and rolled down your sleeves, wiping your tears. "Fine. Come in.." he opens the door to see you sitting on your bed. "What are ou' doing?"
You make a fake laugh and make a tch sound. "Just contemplating life..." he nods. "...whats with ou' playing Russian roulette every morning?" You jump. "W-what? Im sorry- i didnt catch that..." you tried to play it off like a 'pro'.
"I know what our' doing. Why must you do it?" You stay silent. "Just leave me. Im fine as i am." "No you aren't. Now answer me." You stand up and go through the drawer and pull the gun out. You just look at him with a straight face. "Im goint to do some target practice, im leaving."
You got out as quick as possible, running to your secret room. You get into the closet and roll the carpet up, revealing a trap door. You check if spy went to follow you, and find no evidence. You climb down the ladder and into the (R/B) foam walled room. You sat on the soft couch and lost it. It was like the small snowball of horribleness, rolling down the snow covered hill of fuck you, into your little cabin of composure. You started bawling, crying out silently.
"Why must life be this way to me?" You were glad no one could hear you in the soundproofed room. You took your shaky hand and filled the chambers, all but one. "If i dont die here, ill loose it for sure..." you spun the chamber. Time seemed slow as you placed the barrel of the gun to your head. *click* you scream in anger, then scramble to find your razor instead.
You just pulled your entire shirt off, leaving you in your bra and pants as you began to vigorously cut your stomach and arms. Your tears and blood mixed as you cried out. " maybe if i cover the ugly places with scars, ill be okay--" your voice cuts as you hiccup from the crying. Your arms had deep cuts going vertically.
"Im not depressed. Im just- im just--"
"Ugly"
You slide down the front of the couch and crawl up into a ball, crying even harder. You just sit there staring at the ceiling with a bent leg, and one straight ans your arm rested on the raised leg. Blood had stained your clothes. After awhile you decided to get up and clean off. You walked to the small sink and looked in the mirror. "Maybe I should start cutting my ugly face..." You sigh and blow your nose, then continuing to bandage your stomach and arms.
After that you went to the small bin with your extra clothes, changing into clean clothes. You just sit on the couch after so and think of how worthless you are. After a while you get the gun and climb up the ladder and listen if anyone is in the hall outside...nothing. You walk out to your room with the gun in hand. As your walking, you pass spy's room and hear something. "Comment puis-je t'aimer quand tu vas jusqu'ici..?" You had no idea what was being said, but it sounded meloncholy.
"Come in mon ami." You jump. How did he know you were out here..? He opens the door and smiles. "What did you say a little earlier?" He smiles. "Nozing ou' need to worry about."
You walk and sit on his chair in front of the fire. "Here." You look at him and jump as he grabs your arm and pulls you to him, dancing. 'D-dancing?! I cant dance!!' He spins you and kisses the back of your hand. He roughly pulls up your sleeve and you gasp, struggling against his grasp. "You aren't okay, l'amour..."
"im fine! I tell you! I-" he smashes his lips onto yours making you silent. You kiss back as tears run from your eyes. He breaks away, his breath ghosting on your lips. "Je vais réparer votre cœur endolori." "Id like to see you try. I cant be fixed spy. Take it...IM WORTH NOTHING!"
You say, tears streaming from your eyes. He looks at you. "How on earth are you here if your nothing?" You look at him astonished. 'Is he joking?! He's joking. Right?' "Well i- ...i dont know. Its just i dont have a reason!!"
"you saved a woman's life, (Y/N)." 'He's correct. You did risk your life pushing that woman away from that truck.' "Yes! But-" "also, ou' saved an entire plane full of people." You sighed. This is true.
The front got hit by an unknown object, killing the pilot and copilot. You ran from the first row and communicated with the raidios. ".....there were only two casualties...." you cried out and fell to your knees. He kneeled down next to you, listing off things you did that made you,
Just who you are.
Awwwweee!!! So sad... well! If you were wondering, spy said, "how can i love you if your so far away?" Also, look at this. It will cheer you up.
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