But that was months ago

What does it mean to kill yourself

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won't and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can't even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she's never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she'll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there's something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you're gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn't leave the house anymore, she can't even get out of bed and she's getting thinner and thinner because it's too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn't sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and he gets this sick feeling in hIS stomach and that's when he hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly he's screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they're all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all he wants is for you to hug him and tell him it's gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you're not there to do it, everything is dark now that you're gone and his grades are slipping, he barely goes to school anymore and he ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because he wanted to see you again. the boys who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don't talk to each other anymore, they don't talk to anyone, they're all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your girlfriend hears the news and she can't breathe, she still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message her back, she can't fall in love again because every guy she meets reminds her of you, she's never going to get over you, she loved you and she cries herself to sleep every night, hating herself and slicing her skin because she couldn't save you and she's never going to hold you in her arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you're gone, and they miss you, and they don't know why you left but it must've been their fault and they should've stopped you and they should've told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself.
but you killed everyone else around you too.