A/N: This goes out to any Directioners who happen to be reading this (the author's note, not the story). I do not intend to offend any of you out there; this is just a mere parody I wrote out of pure anger which I published for the heck of it.
Banner to the side is the old cover made by Cupcakesandblueskies
Dedicated to kikibuscus2259 for making the new cover. c:
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Hello, chickens of doom. What a weird way to introduce myself. Just let me cough for a second. Okay, so... umm (insert-ellipsis-abuse-here). My name is Mangy-Amplitude-Necrophage-Dingo-Yolk, but my friends call me Mandy. In reality, I'm beautiful, although I see myself as a more hideous abomination than a cross between Simon Cowell and a Barbie doll. You see, I have skin as pale as flour, perfect hair like Taylor Swift and Carly Rae Jepsen's nose.
At this very moment, I'm walking aimlessly down a street (like every other girl), hoping to get free autographs from a dustbin. Making sure to keep my head down, I accidentally bumped into something. Or in this case, someone. To hide my embarassment, my cheeks turned the colour of Florence Welch's hair and I turned away. Until I saw I had bumped into One Direction. AND THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 Darn it, darn it.
I could've at least bumped into them with some nicer clothes on. Ashamed, I looked down at my trashy Dior tulip skirt and Chanel blouse.
"S-s-sorry." I mumbled, still trying to avoid eye contact. Big mistake. In a matter of turkeys and seconds, the blonde dude threw a tranquilizer dart at me. The unibrow guy then poked me with a spork, while one of them started singing a Vocaloid song about vegetable juice. Gosh, his voice was celestial. Perhaps even... divine?
Under the effects of the tranquilizer, I used all the strength I could muster to call my best friend (correction: only friend) Vegan-Fad-Dietnesha. For short, I call her VFD.
"VFD, you won't believe what just happened!" I shouted, even though I was in 'coma'.
"Let me guess... you got an autograph from yourself?" she answered.
"No, better than that. "
"What is it? You were filmed twerking and became a YouTube sensation?"
"No. I was kidnapped by these really hot boys, aka One Direction"
"Congratuvegetablations!" VFD screeched. I felt sorry for her neighbours.
As the blonde dude furiously drove the van, I twerked and hit my head against my nose. Ouch! Is that even possible? Anyways, where was I? Nervously, I trembled as three of them whipped my @$$ with a mouldy piece of bread. Under the weirdness of the situation, the van exploded and I discovered that Martin Clunes was the secret sixth member of 1D. Due to this happy discovery, I magically morphed into a Fantacorn (a unicorn that overdosed on Fanta) and earned a brand new job.
Guess what? I'm a Kardashian now! In all her bootiness, Kim Kardashian bowed down to me and then I realized it was all a measly dream. Well done, Mandy, well done. As the alarm furiously rung, I brushed my teeth and left the house only wearing my underwear and six-inch stilettos with a cherry on top.
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