Fallen Angel #TheLiteraryAwards

Twinkle Twinkle.....

This chapter is dedicated to Leaving_Forever.

Twinkle twinkle little star....

"Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky"

I loved this poem when I was a kid. Me and my grandpa sat for hours at night gazing at the stars. I really love him. He used to tell me all kinds of stories which made my imagination run wild. But with the years that has passed by I somehow started loathing the poem.

As a kid the moon and stars fascinated me and have me hope that even with our blemishes and flaws people will accept us. Being an imperfectionist is not that bad after all !!

But now whenever I look at them I only feel that they are mocking me.

This world is ruled by cruel and heartless people. To survive we need to be perfect. Plastic happiness and smiles that's what our world is made up of. Only the physical appearance matters. Few pathetic people like me don't deserve to live in the his cruel world. I will never say I wanted everything. Because I don't deserve anything. I am meant to have nothing.To be honest sometimes I am satisfied with it but sometimes I console myself giving false hopes.

I am  tired of people shouting at me to change myself. They want me to become someone I don't want to be.

So what if I stammer a lot while speaking.

So what if I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a pretty face but I do have a beautiful heart.

So what if my father thinks I am a burden.

So what if my own mother curses me for not being pretty.

So what if I weigh much more than my friends and have a very pale skin.

This situations are not created by me but somehow I am pushed into these situations and everytime I try coming out of them I am  pushed deeper and deeper.

The confident smile and personality that I put up for the world is not enough.

Every night crying myself to sleep is not enough.

Every morning praying to god for a miracle to happen and save me is not enough.

Anything I do is not enough. I am a loser.

I am tired of fighting against everyone.

I am tired of fighting against myself .

I want to numb the pain. The pain that is tearing me a part with each passing day.

The anti depressant pills are not enough to numb my pain too.

I  am tired of listening to my unwanted thoughts. The thoughts that destroy me. The thoughts that haunt me.

The first time I self harmed myself was under the same night sky that I loved watching.

I took the pocket knife in my hand. I was ready. I pulled up my skirt and stared  at my thighs.I twisted the cold metal in my hand and very gently placed in on my thighs to mark my body.To calm myself I sang the song that once calmed the storm inside me.

"Twinkle twinkle little star..."and made a star on my thigh with the knife it was not deep enough to draw blood but  the burning sensation was enough to make a traitor tear escape from my eyes. Then I took a deep breath and started singing again".......... how I wonder what you are" That time I made a bigger star on my left thigh to draw enough blood. Before the sight of blood made me sick but now it soothes me.By the end of the poem my thighs were adorned with bloody stars. I took a last breath and pulled down my skirt. Instead of crying my heart out I dropped the knife and started laughing like a maniac. Only weak people cry and I am not weak.

I know my grandpa would not like it.

But he must know that his angel is tired of trying and wants to say a goodbye.

Not today.

But maybe some other day.

Hey!!! Here is my first story on a girl dealing with depressions.

If u guys know anyone dealing with it please feel  free to share it here.