The World Spins on

Demolished Worlds

I awoke to a dreary seven o'clock world with weak sunlight shining meekly into my box room. As I frowned unhappily at the dark, cream wall, a heart wrenched sob drifted faintly my way. A little voice in my mind told me, "It's only Carolyn, she probably got hurt or something." Then, "I'm the only one who can make her stop and she's interrupting my sleep anyway, might as well get up."

Reluctantly, I fell out of bed and trudged to the living room, then my body froze. My family was assembled around the living room like broken, lifeless figures, their faces a mixture of unbearable grief and puzzled shock. Dad held Nicole while she sobbed into his shoulder; Scott and Bruce stared at nothing. On the long couch, Mom Melissa embraced Deborah and Mom Carole hugged Carolyn to her, all crying. Little Alex peered into Mom Carole's crying face with alarm before hugging her leg and crying with confusion.

"What's going on?" My voice trembled; the little voice told me that I didn't want to know. Don't tell me.

"Come sit down." Please don't tell me. My feet begged with the little voice as I walked the endless steps toward her side. "Your cousin Rachel," My eyes began to beg as well, "she was killed in a car accident last night." The pleas were numbed and I sunk onto the couch beside her as my legs collapsed beneath me. Mom was still talking, but I could barely hear her. "You don't have to go to school if it's too much. We can go to Aunt Jeanne's right now if you're ready."

I lifted befuddled eyes to her salt-puffed ones. Go? The word seemed foreign, but then again, everything did. Time had seemed to stop, so why was life moving on? My throat grew scratchy and I swallowed hard in a vain attempt to stop the burning sensation growing.

Somehow when I returned to my room, it felt smaller, as if the walls were set on crushing what was left of the demolished world.

With a snail-like pace, I dressed in the school uniform. When I finished, I stared blankly at the wall above my laundry basket, my arms tightly hugging my ribs. Tears blocked my vision but would not fall, growing heavy on my eyelashes. Finally, a waterfall of held-back, salty sorrow dripped soundlessly onto the morning-chilled floor beneath my bare feet.

After wiping the tears off my face, I pick up the few toys Alex left on my floor last night and drop them in the toy bucket on my way into the living room where mom sits alone, staring blankly at the floor. "Mom, I'm ready to go to my school activity."

We pick my cousin Amber up to give her a ride as well and as she opens the door, I can't help but look at her with questioning eyes. Do you know? Can you tell how much it's hurting us?

As mom parks the car for us to get out at Cottonwood Park, I take a deep breath and reach for the door handle; she rests her hand on my lap. "Ashley, if it's too much, you call me." I take her hand and we reach over the console to exchange a hug, her tears fall onto the back of my neck and every breath hurts.

My friends embrace me as soon as I step out of the car until I can stop the flood of tears that won't stop coming. We take a couple steps towards where the students are supposed to gather up before Ms. Aunt Kristal intercepts us, her arms beckon to me and she whispers, "If you need to, it's okay to leave."

The world seems to stop again as I see a Kiersten that I will never be able to un-see; her eyes and smiles are sad and tired, her stomach swelled with a child that her best friend will never get to see.

The next few hours are filled with activities that help distract from it all. It works for a while and then suddenly, reality slaps the world. "Bobby, are you okay?" I ask. He shakes his head.

When it's over, Amber tells me that Nicole has come to pick us up. I nod and turn around to where she says the car is parked and again, I am struck with an image I will never forget. My best friends, Ari, Susan, Nikki, and Missy, trek the grass towards me. Only it's not my Missy; tormented and glassed eyes, tears slip freely down her cheeks and no smile grows on her face to chase them away. I run towards her and as I hug her, she softly cries into my shoulder.