Dear Self/Mental Illness

Dear, Self/Mental Illness

I write to you today, not because I want to. No, not really, but because I have to. I do not understand what is going on between myself and I. Most days I struggle to convince myself to get out of bed and get dressed, I struggle to prepare myself for the day ahead of me, and I struggle to find a reason for why I am still here on this Earth I so lovingly and yet [i hatefully ] call [i home ].

I lack complete and utter confidence in myself, I destine the person looking back at me in the mirror. Thus, the reason why I rarely look at myself when facing any reflections. I hate who I am and what I am and I just hate just about every aspect about myself.

It's all because of [i you ]..[i you ] who so sweetly whispers in my head like you are just trying to help. Ha! Help?! You just use such a word as a mask to get into my head! And..and you win.. You always find your way back in..

All day..every minute of everyday..you are there. Whispering, shouting kicking and banging at every part of me that you can reach. I hate to go shopping for clothes, it drives me to a panic attack. This makes me look pregnant, that makes me look too much like a boy, it shows off every single hair on my arms..

I can't sleep, I can't think! Because you are always there, Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, ADHA, and PTSD. You all combine to try and push me over the edge! You make my life a living hell! I can't enjoy my life, for every little moment I find of peace, you have to ruin it!

What kind of life could I possibly lead with all of you tag teaming against me, jumping me when I am most vulnerable or at my most relaxed state? Nightmares you give me, even when my eyes are open. Insecurity and fear at every turn and breath, you thrust at me. Distance and avoidance from family and friends are what you have cursed me with. [i [B Damned ] ]is what you have brought upon me to live and deal with for as long as I remain on this wonderfully horrible world!!

Still..Still you have only won the battle, but the war keeps raging on. As long as I am still standing, still breathing, I will continue to fight the good fight. I will resume to assume my position over you. And when this world leaves me behind, I will be the one who came out [i victorious ]! You will not win this war, you will not drowned me to the furthest depths of my fears and misery.

I will come out on top, will climb my mountains, and will out grow my demons! I will continue to survive, [i no ], I will continue to [i [B live ] ]!! You will not own me, but I will own [i you ]! I will follow my dreams, and I will achieve my goals! No one but our Father up above will be able to stop me!

He will be my anchor and my safe harbor, just as he has been the whole time so far. I will fail many times, will fall and wish for nothing more then death, but always I will find the strength to get up and keep on keeping on. With him in my corner, nothing can ever defeat me. They can try, but my Father will give me the ability to get past any obsiticals that life and mental illness will throw my way.

No more will I let you get in my way, I will fight back and I will beat you down with the strength that my God gave me. I will find control over you and learn to move on past you. You will miss me when I am gone, but I will never miss you when you are gone.

So dare self, you keep on fighting like the warrior that God made you to be.

Dear future self, know that you are perfect and beautiful just the way that you are! Never change, but continue to improve. Remember, it all gets better in the end.

Finally, but certainly not least..

Dear Mental Illness, you are the bane of my existence, and the crutch of my life. However, some time soon in the future, you will become nothing but a grateful memory as one of many things that helped shape who I will someday become. You will be an old friend that I will never miss, and a distant fleeting feeling that comes forth every now again only to be sent away faster then my head can spin.

Dear reader, you are not alone and there is always someone willing to help. Search out help, be it from known loved ones, or a professional stranger who knows what they are doing. I implore that you not hold it in, and never let Mental Illness win the war even if it has already won the battle. You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are, and these demons can never be more then you are. Don't let them continue to whisper in your head and heart all the lies that they bring to you.

Sincerely,

A warrior, survivor, and a work in progress.