Dear Self/Mental Illness

Abandoned

Nothing is wrong with me, I didn't do anything to deserve this.
So then..why was I suddenly shunned?
Why was I abandoned?

If I am truly considered family, then why did you turn your backs on me?
Was it because I made mistakes?
Changed too much?

That wouldn't be fair.
Children make mistakes,
Young adults make them as well.
It's called growing up.

We search for ourselves as we grow.
When you're in your early twenties mistakes are inevitable and so is change.
The things you said you'd never do as a child usually get done.
You fall in love and it clouds your mind and judgment. It's irrational and almost uncontrollable, but it happens.
Add to it a childhood full of trauma, and you could easily fall into a toxic situation.

But you can't let go, and you become consumed in your desperation to not lose this person. You make terrible life decisions, burn some bridges maybe along the way.

But like most everything in this chapter of young adulthood, you hit rock bottom and you start to change again. Hopefully for the better, try to rebuild those bridges and find your way back home.

But then, what if there is no home to come to? As you were seemingly kicked out of that home without your knowledge.
The locks on the doors metaphorically changed without a warning.

Could my mistakes of development truly be punishable in the form of banishment?
Tossed out like a toy that has lost it's value?
And for what reason? For merely desiring to find myself and forge a life of my own?
For craving a love that could fill the hole left in my heart from years of torment and abandonment issues?

It isn't fair, it simply isn't.
It is not right to have to request permission to an event you use to be invited to without hesitation.
To be the only party to check in with the other, but never be the one checked on.
To have children you love be in a sense ripped from you because the walls have been put up by the adults who've made it so uncomfortably suffocating to go for a simple visit.
So obvious that your presence is not truly wanted there any longer.

A visit to a place that you lived in during the most important part of your childhood.
A place one considered a safe haven.
Such a dreadful feeling it is to feel you can no longer return there again.

After a few attempts to keep myself in the company of what once I thought was my family, I've grown tired of fighting to stay.
I've lost enough dignity being somewhere I was clearly no longer wanted.

My mental health can not take it anymore.
I've struggled and fought too hard to better myself to lose all the progress to the toxic desire of remaining in a sort of adopted family that regrets ever taking me in in the first place.

The future originally envisioned for them in my life can seemingly be no more. As my story progresses, it must unfortunately progress without them.
No matter how badly I may not want the chapters to continue to flip without them, I must learn to finally let them go.
So I have to leave with what little dignity remains and live my new and promising future, so that my soul can finally be at peace and my joy can truly be felt in Ernest.