I'm so plain. I am so ordinary. I can see others traits, the good ones, all of them. She has a beautiful eyecolour, he has a beautiful nose, she has an extraordinary singing voice, he can dance extremely well. I get compliments as well. "You have such a beautiful body!" they say. But i have fat on me and the media shows us that body fat is undesirable."Your skin is so clear! How do you do that?" they say. But actually i have acne and i wear a lot of makeup. Makeup makes me uncomfortable, you cant touch your face since it could smear and show the truth, those disgusting acne scars and pimples could be revealed. And natural skin is undesirable. "Your eyes are so pretty!" they say. My eyes are plain and empty, i cant see the beauty behind this emptiness. "Your smile is heartwarming!" they say. But my smile is broken.
Why can't i see me this way? I look in the mirror and see myself in there. European eyes, green eyes. What a normal colour. Normal lips? Not thick not thin, just ordinary. A plain European nose, something usual. Brown hair, a typical colour. A bit chubby, it's noticeable that i love food, but i also exercise, which i am not very good in either. She can dance, he can play volleyball, she can skate, he can play basketball. But whatever i do, someone will be better anyways. They always are.
I try to work on removing my tummy fat. I start with only a few exercises. After 3min im finished already. My body is weak, i feel disappointed.
Feeling empty is a feeling i am used to. Since kindergarten already, i've noticed that i am nothing special at all. I have no plans for my future, a have no idea in which direction i want to move on to. It's like riding your car until the street splits into left and right, but you dont know where to go. As time passes you need to decide wheter you want to go left or right, or i'll be too late and you'll fall off the road into absolute darkness. I am in darkness currently. Its nighttime and i try to sleep while surrounded in pitch black.
In the morning i get woken up by my mother. I love her with all i have, but she is stressed out as well so we often get into fights. Standing up and looking for the most ordinary outfit. It's just the first day of school, i don't understand while people make such a fuss about being special on this day. Its the first day in my new class. I changed classes due to bullies. I feel a bit glad but it flies away pretty easily. I wont make any friends anyways, so why care? I move on into the kitchen but i dont eat anything. I dont feel hungry. i pack my bag and move outside to catch my bus. Swallowing the tears, I went into my new classroom and sat down somewhere at the wall, out of the teachers main focus. When lessons started a person with beautiful locks sat next to me. They had a stunning smile and were very friendly. I was impressed about how different people can be. Having good contacts in this class may not be a bad things so i introduced myself. i didnt care what they thought about me. The person at the next table was seemingly my next ones friend. They had dark brown eyes and brown hair, those colours matched stunningly with their cute freckles. They were nice as well.
Over the year, me and both grew closer. But the emptiness in me still remained. I seemed happier on the outside but it was the same inside of me. My teacher often asked me if i felt good in this class and whether everything was alright. Everytime i smiled. What could she do anyways? Every evening i stood at the mirror, trying to find something beautiful. Nothing. I played with my hair trying to maybe make me look more interesting. Nothing. I put music on and tried to sing. My voice sounded empty. Usually people can hear someones mood of their voice, as well as who it may belong to. My voice just seemed to exist.
