I'm tired

I don't know anymore

I don't know what to feel anymore

Every time I do something i am proud of i am just shot down again the other day my brother called me fat and i believed him... I don't want to eat anything but i know that if i don't  then my parents will question me..i told one of my closest friends and i know i shouldn't be thinking that way because recently a girl in my grade level committed suicide i feel bad for her because i can kind of understand the pain she went through i believe that she was in so much pain but no one noticed... if i hadn't said anything no on e would have noticed my pain... 

People say that if i were to disappear or die that they would miss me but i feel as if that is not the case... I feel alone.. and i feel as if they may just be lying to keep me from doing anything... but... I just can't feel loved anymore... the last person that said they loved me and I believed them just walked over me as if i was never in their life and made me feel worthless... and the sad thing is I sill have this small sliver of love for them and hope that maybe that person will apologize say that they love me and make up to me and show me their love... but i know that's not gonna happen that person found someone else that may be better i mean i knew that i never really deserved him... but now I feel like he hates me... i hate myself so damn much for still loving him knowing that he will never love me the way that i love him... some part of me hopes that he reads this and just apologizes to me or says hi or just says that he is ok ... but that will never happen... 

I want to die now more than ever.. i feel as if everything is falling apart... i want all this pain to end...even if it means that i have to say goodbye to all the people i love... if i do really end up dying or killing myself to end my suffering I want all my readers(my little penguins🐧🐧) to know that i love them deeply and i may just post one or two more chapters tonight to give you something... 

Just know every one of you is beautiful and don't believe anything bad someone is saying about you. I would follow my own advice but I've been bullied since i was in 1st grade so i am broken way beyond repair...

(written in early 2017)