Diaries of a Lost teen: why do I try?

why do i try?

Intro: Adalynn's thoughts

I sit here and I think, about how much I love you. your eyes. your hair. your voice. your smile. your body. your mind. your soul. your laugh. your heart. all the things you say. all the things you do. everything. from the very tips of your toes. to the very top of your head. I am in love with every aspect of you. even the parts you have grown to hate. I'm just truly in love.

but yet, you don't feel the same way. I'm hurt. it's killing me from the inside out. it is literally killing me. I said I was fine, but really, I just didn't want you to know I had this part of me in me. I told everybody I was fine, but I'm really not. people say 'you just need closer. you won't feel this way anymore after you get closer'. well I had closer. why do I still feel this way ? these feelings aren't little feelings. nobody understands. all I need is a shoulder to cry on.

I make it seem like I don't give two fucks anymore, but inside, I do. nobody knows because nobody really gets me. when I'm around others, I make it seem like, I don't have a soft spot in me. that's why I don't express my feelings around others. I don't want others thinking I've gone soft or was always soft and was pretending to be someone else. if I can just push rewind, to last year when I was his, I would've never let him go. but the past is the past. I can't do nothing about it anymore. he's already moved on. he likes someone else. and who wouldn't like her. she's perfect. when I'm here, looking like crap.

but who am I to say I loved him. when I'm still learning to love. but he was my first love. everything about him was just, perfect. I didn't care if others didn't think he was ugly, a douche, a man whore, or an ass. to me, he was totally different. I just don't understand why I still feel this way. I don't want to. I just wish I can just feel nothing. care about no one and nothing. if only I could just shut down the feelings I don't want. the feelings that are tearing me apart. sometimes, I wish he never saw the thing I wrote. who ares if he didn't know how I felt. maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much as it does now. sometimes, I wish I didn't have to be on this earth anymore. no one knows how I feel.

I obviously need someone I can talk to right now, and I made it obvious I'm hurt. but it seems like no one cares anymore. nobody knows how much I'm hurting. no one. I clearly have no one, here for me. all their doing is telling me to move on. it should be clear to them I don't want to. I just want to forget. but they're doing nothing, besides cracking jokes about him. so all I can do is just pretend that nothing is even happening.