Heliophilia (Norminah)

Eight

Time is something I've always found to be fluid, not dependable, and always fleeting. In retrospect of my life, 17 years isn't all that long, but it's a lot longer than 4 weeks. Yet over the past few days I've come to realise some bits of time is worth more than some others. Years wasted binge drinking with Arin and friends who didn't really know me was worthless in comparison to a week with Dinah, just her and me.

She wasn't what you expected; her secretive disposition always leading people astray.

She was actually adorable when she talked about things she was passionate about and she didn't have time for anything she wasn't interested in. She knew that life was too short for small talk and formalities and social rules, she defied them to squeeze the last bit of enjoyment out of life. She doesn't need to talk all the time, a silence with her is just as good as a conversation with a thousand words. She's not a violent person by nature, never raising her voice and her temperament was the most patient I've ever known.

She's beautiful without knowing, the kind of beautiful you feel walking home under streetlights at night or when you laugh bubbled out of you when you're crying. She's beautiful inside too, her mind and her thoughts should be put in museums for people to see. She was perfect, we fit together so well that I could feel it in my chest we were special; and that's why I can't be with her.

Nothing in my life has ever been 'perfect'. That was never on the cards for me, everything had to be either compromised or been tainted by the harsh reality of where I fit on the social ladder. I didn't deserve nice things, fairytale love was bound to be snatched from my reach the second I fall in love because that's how it's always been. It was no different for my friends, my parents; everyone who was in my life was the same.

Dinah was someone I was graced with by accident, our paths crossed because of spontaneous decisions and bad choices, even though in my back of my mind I'd like to think it was fate. But I can't think that was because there's no such thing as fate and true love and happily ever after, so I decided I can't fall in love with her. I can't let myself fall because the second she catches me something will happen to mess it up and once I get a glimpse of what being in love with her is like, the rest of my life will be a disappointment.

"You okay?" She asks as she takes my hand as we drive along the wide, open road.

"Mhm, just thinking," I respond but I slip my hand out of hers. I wanted to hold her hand, it was soft and delicate and butterflies went crazy in my stomach when she did but red lights went off my head, my mind screaming at me to protect my heart.

As I look out the window I feel her eyes dancing on my skin before she speaks.

"Do you know how beautiful you actually are Normani?" She asks with sincerity and it takes me a second to regain myself as my heart flutters.

"You should, people like you deserve to know," she continues as her eyes find the barren road again. "I'll make sure you do," she finished quietly and I don't know how to respond, so I don't.

We drive in silence for what seems like hours until a huge cluster of trees comes into our view, but instead of driving right by them she takes a sharp turn into them.

"Dinah what are you doing?!" I scream as she keeps up her speed going through the trees until she comes to a sudden stop. I try to catch my breath as she chuckles beside me.

"That wasn't funny Dinah," I snap and get out of the car, irritated at the fact my heart swelled when I heard her little chuckle.

"Baby, look, I'm sorry," she says jogging in front of me. I cross my hands over my front and mask my face with a scowl and I see confusion taking place on her face.