Heliophilia (Norminah)

Nine

I woke up with a creak in my neck and a warm body wrapped up in my arms.

My shoulder was uncomfortably bent under me and I needed to use the bathroom, but I didn't dare move in case I woke the girl sleeping soundly in my arms. She had turned around in her sleep so her head was on my chest, her arm draped over my waist and our legs tangled. The rise and fall of her back as she breathed was so lovely to just listen to and watch.

I looked down to see her little button nose and her pouty lips relaxed as she slept and I wondered did that dick Arin every take the time to appreciate her like this. Did he watch her stir from sleep and rub her eyes and smile as they exchanged good mornings? Did he get a flutter of butterflies when she said his name or let her cry into his shoulder when she got sad over something small?

Because when I hold her hand I feel everything I want in life sitting there in my palm, I feel everything I adore about her right there tangled in my fingers.

She's the type of girl that comes once in a lifetime. She deserves the world, she deserves someone who will spend hours thinking of ways to make her smile, she deserves endless kisses and unconditional love; no one's going to give that to her like I will. If she'd let me I'd bundle up all the things she hates about herself and put them in the sky to show her that all her insecurities are perfect and shine brighter than the stars, I'd show her all her faults are the things I can't go a day without.

But she doesn't see it that way.

In her eyes she's dirt, yet she also thinks I'm going to let the idea of her and I slip away; she's wrong on both parts. She's like the milk moustache you get when you drink frothy coffee and soft pillows and long hugs; no one appreciates how amazing they really are. I know I could waste words trying to convince her, but that's all she's fed off of her whole life; empty words. I need show her I'll be the one she needs. I'll get her safely to El Paso and I'll help her start a new life that she deserves; with me, if she'll have me. And she's so beautiful, when she picks out a flaw in herself I can find 100 contradictions, she made my bitterness for life turn into love and I hope she'll make her world a better place too.

She starts to stir and I wait for her, letting her take her time in waking up. Her eyes are lazy and her hair is messy but I've never seen anything more lovely than her right now.

When did this happen?" She asks referring to our entanglement. I just stare at her, taking her in as she props herself up so her face is inches from mine. I can see the sparkle in her eyes and the glow of her skin as I slowly gravitate towards her, closer and closer until we're almost cyclopses staring right at each other with touching noses and swapping breaths.

"Good morning gorgeous," I say and I see her eyes flutter down my face, glancing at my lips and back up to my eyes. These are the moments that I know I don't need to worry about her pushing me away, I feel it that she wants this as much as I do but she's scared and I need to give her time; luckily for me time is all I have.

She's leaning over me and with that look in her eye she's almost screaming at me to not give up on her, and I won't. I move my hand to brush a strand of hair out of her face and I see her flinch at the delicacy; her lazy eyes are flooded with realisation and she suddenly sits up and runs a shaky hand through her hair.

"What time is it?" She asks looking off into the distance and I can't help the fact my heart clenches over the repetitive rejection.

"Does it matter really?" I whisper sadly as she stands up and takes a few steps to distance us.

"I don't have a disease, Normani," I say softly when she doesn't answer me.