We'll Always Have the Dickinson

Chapter Five: Tests

That evening when I got home, Roseanne noticed my stiff back. She ran her fingers across it, massaging it for me. I thought maybe I had just pulled something. That is until the pain worsened and continued for a week. It was definitely more than just a simple pulled muscle. I knew that the moment there was blood in my urine. Roseanne suggested that I go to the doctor and get some tests done. I was convinced it was nothing more than a bladder infection or maybe a UTI, which aren't as uncommon in men as most would believe.

I wasn't that concerned. The following week I scheduled an appointment with a friend of mine from Med School who ran the necessary tests.

"So what did you find, Ron?" I asked curiously as he held my folder in his hand.

"Everything came up fine, Ethan," he sighed. "I think perhaps you should get a CT scan of your kidneys. You could have a kidney stone."

"Ok," I nodded. "I'll do that."

That day, Ron scheduled me in for a CT scan. He said he would give me the results by the following morning. I knew something was wrong when Ron called me that evening. I chewed on my lower lip as he gave me the news. There was a tumor on my kidney that I would need to get tested.

"A mass on your kidney?" Roseanne said as soon as I told her. I nodded. There was a mass on my kidney, which could be benign, but the way I had been feeling lately I highly doubted it. I was getting sicker with each passing day. I was weak, and tired all of the time. I hadn't gone into work in days. I didn't want to fear the worse, but I knew what was crossing each and every one of our minds.

"It might be cancerous," I admitted. Roseanne shook her head.

"No way," She exclaimed. "You're barely 38, Ethan! You're way too young to have Kidney cancer. The typical age is sixty five. You know that. Let's not even go there."

Roseanne grabbed my hand, kissing me on the forehead. "It's a possibility, Roseanne. We have to be ready for the worse."

"Don't say that," Roseanne said. "Whatever happens happens. But we're not oncologists ok? We don't know these things."

I wish I could say Roseanne was right and that nothing was wrong with me. I wish I could tell her that I was ok, but I'd only be lying. I had been right. I, Ethan Clarke, had cancer. I never in a million years thought it would happen to me. I don't smoke. I don't have high blood pressure. I'm not obese. I don't match any of the criteria or have any of the common risk factors. I was an anomaly.

I was a rare case – that's what they called it. I was a 38 year old man with kidney cancer. Luckily we had caught it somewhat early. I guess it meant I was going to have to go through surgery to have the mass removed. Potentially I may need my whole kidney removed but it was fine because I could live off one. But then there was still that chance that it would come back. Cancer was the sort of thing that would go into remission and return. As I left the doctor's office, I felt empty. I didn't really want to tell anyone. I just wanted to keep it to myself, but I knew I couldn't go through this alone. I couldn't.

When I got home, I could barely tell Roseanne. I couldn't even say the words to her but she knew.

"Everything is going to be ok," Roseanne said rubbing my shoulders. "Cancer is not as deadly as it used to be. You can beat this, Ethan. You're going to make it through this, honey."

I nodded. I hope so. But I guess I was just going to have to wait and see. I planned to go through with the surgery. They were going to remove my kidney along with the tissue around it in order to prevent it from spreading. I had never had major surgery before. I always used to say that I was as healthy as horse, but I guess I can't say that anymore. I was sick, tired and my back was in pain.