We'll Always Have the Dickinson

Chapter Thirteen: Mistakes

Roseanne and I were living together, but we weren't on good terms. I refused to acknowledge her more than I had to. I couldn't believe she would do this to me. I couldn't believe she would try to force me to stay in this marriage. I only did the bare minimum. I ate at the table with my kids. I talked to her about the kids. I took out the trash, mowed the lawn, vacuumed on occasion, etc. Other than that, Roseanne and I didn't speak much. If she wasn't going to make this easy for me, I wouldn't make it easier for her.

I was counting down the days I could go back to work. It was hell being here and having to pretend I was something that I was not. I had finally been true to myself and as a result, I was still in the same place I was before. I couldn't live like this.

I wanted Josh. I needed Josh.

"Ethan," Roseanne's voice echoed through the guest bedroom. My eyes flickered to hers. She was standing in my doorway, clutching her red silk robe around her body. Her stomach was starting to show a little bit now.

"Yeah," I replied as she moved to the side beside me.

"Our bedroom is cold," she sighed running her hand up my leg. I chewed on my lower lip, my eyes following her fingertips as they moved dangerously close to my crotch. I grabbed her hand stopping her before she got any further.

"Maybe you should get a blanket," I retorted. Roseanne let out a small groan, obviously fed up with this back and forth that was going on between us. It wasn't my fault though. She wanted it this way.

"Ethan, please," Roseanne said her voice tinged with sadness. "I don't want to argue with you. It's not good for the baby and it's not good for us. Come sleep upstairs with me. I miss you."

"Roseanne," I started to protest. "I – I can't do this, ok. You don't understand. I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not. I can't just come back and be your husband. I can't do that."

"Yes you can," she said taking my hand in hers. "You can't tell me that our entire marriage is a lie. You couldn't have lied to me for six years, Ethan. Six years!"

My eyes fluttered to the ground as she squeezed my hand. Six years was a long time and I thought I was happy. I mean I had the things that everyone dreamed of – a house, kids, wife, and a job. I was the definition of successful. But a part of me always felt like I was missing something and I had finally figured it out when I met Josh. He had been the last piece of the puzzle and when I met him everything just felt right.

"It wasn't a lie," I said shaking my head. "I convinced myself that this was what I wanted and I was content with that. I do love you, Roseanne, and I care about you. But it's not fair to you or me to stay in this marriage. You and I both deserve to be happy. I'll help raise our kids and I'll do everything that I can for them. I'll give you whatever money you need, just let me go, Roseanne."

Roseanne was silent for a moment, nodding her head. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her against my chest. She had conceded. It was the end of our marriage. Thus the process of our divorce began. Roseanne and I had to hammer out the final details of it all. I didn't want to leave the kids. It would be weird not having them around all of the time, but that was the cost of divorce. Roseanne would have them during the week and I would have the weekends, but I could see them whenever I wanted. This would be a huge adjustment for them and me. We decided to take it slow though.

Roseanne and I agreed I would stay with her until our son turned one year old. Josh wasn't too happy about that.

"Until he's one? Can't you get her a nanny or something," Josh complained as soon as I told him about our arrangements.

"Two kids and an infant – She can't do it alone," I explained taking Josh's hand in mine. "You don't understand. You've never had kids. But don't worry; you'll learn quickly when my son comes."