The Break Up Plan (BoyxBoy)

Study Session

Looking at Rin's backpack pissed me off. It was slim and black and lumpy because he typed his notes onto his computer a week after jotting them down. The huge white check plastered across it set my blood boiling. Because as long as I walked behind Rin and looked at his Nike backpack, I couldn't forget what Stephanie told me over lunch.

Which by the way, I also thought about when Rin wasn't two steps ahead of me. Every answer on my chemical reaction worksheet was wrong because I spent all of chemistry trying to recall 11 years of friendship. Trying to see signs of a life that I was never told about.

Maybe I should have been using my time to contemplate the fact that I was two attempts into my plan and failing miserably. But instead, a few words from Stephanie Huarez had sent me into an unstoppable spiral.

"Elly?" Rin stopped, forcing me to side step around him to avoid a collision. "I should tell you that I'm-"

" . . . not coming to the ice cream shop and hanging out with Stephanie instead," I sighed, continuing past him. "It's fine, I didn't expect you to."

I could feel his curious stare on my back, the sound of air leaving his open mouth because he had a question he was scared to ask. But I knew more sound would follow because Rin would feel the need to ask anyway.

"Is something wrong?"

Everything's wrong! I wanted to scream.

Stephanie wasn't just taking away Rin's time and his energy and his attention. She was pulling out bits of him that I never got. Gaining stories he never told me. Why didn't he tell me? 11 years wasn't enough to gain his trust?

"El," his hand closed around my wrist, pulling me to a stop. The way his dark eyes scanned my face, searching for the cause of my distress, made me more upset. Had he been upset one day, feeling different, but I hadn't noticed? Hadn't thought to ask?

I could shake off his concern, treat this 15 minute walk like any other and push these thoughts behind me. Or I could just ask.

"Stephanie said something today that I keep thinking about," I started, struggling to keep eye contact when his gaze turned curious. "She said that you felt different growing up."

"Everyone feels different growing up."

"No, I mean-"

My words fell over one another, distracted by Rin's bright, easy energy. The way he smirked like he was funny made this hard. Whatever I said next would break the illusion that everything was fine. His pleased little smile would drop.

"I know that racism and all that shit still exists but you've always seemed okay," I explain, my face heating from embarrassment. Shame. I'm not sure. "She made it sound like there were times when you really weren't okay. Is that true?"

Like I thought, his smile dimmed. A cloud settled across my best friend's face, memories floating to the forefront of his mind. I could tell he was reliving something even when he casually shoved both hands in his pockets.

"Yeah, I guess."

The cold suddenly nipped at the edge of my nose and arches of my ears. Like Rin's smile had taken all the warmth with it, leaving behind sharp October weather. My next question, my real question, felt dangerous. I might not have had the right to ask it. But I remembered that we spent a decade side by side. That had to count for something. Like forgiveness after asking some stupid questions.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I knew you wouldn't get it," he shrugged. It was almost bold how plainly he said it. "And I didn't think it really mattered how I felt but it's nice dating someone who understands."