Explosion (Kellic)

Lunch

Ms. Perry's class went by slower than I think any class has ever gone by before. She told us that our scores for the test we took yesterday were 'less than satisfactory' so she had us reread the pages we were supposed to read last night. First we read them outloud as a class. She glared daggers at me when it was my turn and I didn't say anything. I didn't feel scared like I usually did. I could have probably done it but I didn't want her having the satisfaction. After about three minutes of complete silence, she moved on to the next person. We finished with the whole class reading and were forced to do the same thing again but in smaller groups. And then we did it again as independent reading. It was quite helpful, actually. It least I got to read what I needed to read.

It was Friday, and I was totally dreading the events that were on track to happen one week from then. I really hoped to be able to talk to Josh during music class, convince him that I didn't want to do it. My thoughts were consumed and it took Mike three tries to get my attention when I walked into the cafeteria.

"Dude wake up," he laughed. He waved me forward, "C'mon, I think Vic's already here." I looked around, finding Mike's brother sitting alone at a table in the center of the room. He seemed to be engrossed in the food before him. I felt really hungry but knew that I wasn't going to be able to eat something until dinner. And I wasn't even sure on that being a possibility.

"Hey, Vic how's that pizza?" Mike asked.

Vic looked up and grinned, "Honestly this is the best friggin' cardboard I've ever had." I slid onto the bench next to Mike, suddenly remembering what Vic had said earlier about my beanie. It brought up the question of if he was gay. I didn't know if I was, and honestly I was pretty scared to find out. My parents disapproved of everything I did, there was no way they would like it if I was gay. Or, as they would most likely call me, a fag.

I'd never had a crush on anyone, male or female. And I didn't think that anyone had ever had a crush on me, either. Things had just never worked out that way. I'd always kept to myself, and I certainly didn't talk. Well, sometimes around my guys I managed, but mostly we signed back and forth. We all started learning together around the start of the second semester freshman year, just after they caught me in my old basement playing piano and, really, just messing around.

It had been an instant decision for me to sing while they played. At the time we were all just amateurs, but then we all went through a screamo phase together and we haven't gone back yet. I started learning how to scream when I was sixteen, but Justin said that the way I did it was pretty unique. I guess maybe it was. I didn't sound quite like the professionals I listened to.

But it had never mattered to me what I sounded like. That day I was just figuring out instruments to my lyrics. Music was my escape from the world, my vice. When my guys started playing behind me it was like I became so confidant. I couldn't help but sing along. I felt okay about my singing, didn't think that it was anything special like everyone said, but also didn't think that it was awful like my regular voice. I hated it. And I was really insecure about it, too. For some reason it had always been easier for me to sing than to talk. Maybe because I could speak through song and no one had to judge me for it. They didn't have to know that the lyrics were true.

Someone snapped in front of my face, "Kellin," Mike said. "Wake up, jesus." He laughed.

Tony slid into the bench across from me and next to Vic, "He's thinking, Mike," he scolded. "Let him think."

"We don't have time to think ya dingus. We need to discuss the fact that you're a freaking genius!"

I'm not a genius, I thought. I looked around for something to write on and Tony slid me a piece of paper along with a pen. I gave him a tight smile of thanks, feeling bad that he'd done that twice already. I don't even think I'd returned his pencil last time.

"Why don't you just talk?" Vic snapped. I looked up to see him glaring at me.

I actually glared back, writing on the paper furiously, 'I can't.' Punctuating the sentence with a less than quiet period.

Vic's eyes flickered down, read what it said upside down, then came back up. His glare hardened. "Why not? Are you scared?" His voice was icy cold, almost taunting.

I sat up straighter, looked him right in the eye. 'Fucking terrified,' I answered but before he could see it I balled it up and threw it at him, finally grabbing my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. I forced myself to walk slowly, normally. On the way out of the cafeteria Jaime tried to greet me but I just pushed him away and continued down the halls to french.

I didn't expect any of them to come after me, in fact I really hoped that that wouldn't but if they were going to come I didn't want them to see me running. I wasn't even that angry or upset so there was nothing to run from or to. I just didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't know what it was but I just felt angry. I wanted to hit something but I didn't want to hit Vic. He could be a bit of an ass but he'd never really done anything to me. And I wasn't even offended that he'd asked. What made me angry was the way he did it. Like he was accusing me of something. He'd never done anything wrong, but neither had I. I didn't need him to be judging me before he even got a chance to know me.

I walked into french class early and hating myself. Why was I getting so upset over something so trivial? I'd known the guy for two and a half days and already he was the most confusing person I'd ever encountered. I plopped myself down into my seat and started writing an explanation to Madame about how I don't talk and also why I missed her class yesterday. I put in there that I was basically fluent in the language, proven by the way I wrote the whole thing in french, then folded it up and put it on her open, but sleeping, computer. The bell rang as I made my way back to my seat and I got my binder and a pencil out.

Madame walked in and she read my letter, giving me a silent nod as the rest of the students filed in. The rest of the class passed by in a blur of my guys and their music, a few worksheets, and me basically ignoring the fact that I'd have to face Vic and the others in music soon.