What is the definition of Happiness?

1

Happiness Doesn't Exists.

I found that out a long time ago when I was only 8 years old and it was because the one person that I cared about so much, the one person that loved me more than anything and would do absolutely anything just for me to be happy, died.

Everyday it would go from crying to anger to depression and so on, and no mater how many people said that they understood I knew that no one knew what I felt and no one ever would because I was only 8 and it was like there was a broken record player repeating the same message over and over in my head. It made me want to scream and cry because of how many times the words "I understand," NO! No you don't, no one does, no one understands the pain I have and no one understands that every ounce of my body wants to kill me because I feel like I'm going insane. I just wish that I was numb, numb to pain, numb to emotions, and numb to everything because it hurts like a gunshot to my chest over and over. So from then on I told myself that I would never get close to anyone ever again, and so I eventually managed bit by bit build a wall around my heart and self to prevent ever having to feel that horrible pain again. People told me that I would get over my pain because "an 8 year old doesn't understand what they feel" so I put this thought in my head that I wasn't allowed to feel anything unless it was willed by the adults which is exactly how I behaved for 4 years, it was like I became a robot. After those 4 years of pretending like I was I guess you could say I worked out ok, I mean I still made acquaintances at school and I still smiled and laughed all the time like I used too, but the pain was still there and it still hurt to think about it even  fine and nothing was wrong at all, but no matter how hard I tried it still pained me, but now I am currently 16 and even now it still hurts to think about it, and I still have this wall surrounding myself that is slowly getting thicker and thicker by the second.

Oh I forgot to introduce myself well ok so as I said I am 16 years old, my name is Dylan Porter, yes I am female I do have a vagina and boobs the last time checked, my name is only Dylan because my parents really wanted a boy but didn't get one. I live with my younger sister Audrey who is currently 5 years old and in kindergarten, and I guess you could say my aunt lives with us too but then I would be lying because she is never home with us and the only way I know she hasn't died yet is because everything still works. So the reason we live in our aunts house is because on my sister's first birthday my parents left to go buy my sister's birthday cake but ended up getting in a horrible car accident that killed both of them on the spot and the only one that I knew family wise was my aunt that lived in Colorado, which is where we currently live now and have lived for 5 years. The only one that I care about now is my younger sister and no one else. For absolutely no reason at all it is just big sister instinct.

So quick description of me, so I have thin, chestnut brown, waist-length hair; my eye color is a Hazel-green/blue; and even though I'm in High School, I am only 5'1 and you don't know how hard it is to just walk through the school without having someone point out my shortness.

YES I KNOW, OK!