Wilder

9.

When I entered his room, Wilder was sitting on the floor, a scalpel in his hand. There wasn't any blood on the floor, and by his disturbingly calm stance, I knew he hadn't started yet.

It was a ceremony, a sacrifice. Something I shouldn't witness, and yet I do. I watch him rip his being apart, again and again. It's such a shame.

His back against the strong wood of his bed, he didn't even look at me as I stood in front of him.

"Why?", I asked, my voice strained and stiff, and I forced myself to slide to the floor, leaning against the wall opposite of him. I can't react explosively now. Indeed, I have no right.

"Does there need to be a reason?", he raised an eyebrow as he tried the blade on his finger, letting out a relieved breath when in cut through the skin and revealed the blood underneath.

"Yeah", I responded as if I was talking to a child, and Wilder looked up in reaction to my annoyed tone, raising the blade and now holding it with more determination.

"There is no particular reason", he shrugged, and for a moment I could swear I almost saw a glimpse of sadness.

"Then don't do it", my voice was hoarse, as if I had been crying, and indeed I felt like the boy opposite to me was miles away instead of meters. He's always running out of my reach, and I'm continuously petrified I will never be able to capture him again.

"Cas, you don't get it", he sighed, and my eyes widened as he swiftly sliced a red line on his right wrist.

Ahh, God, this is so devastating. His blood is so red as it collects on his skin as white as snow, I feel my heart tearing apart.

"Then...just don't do...", I started, but I suddenly flinched as he cut a gasp deeper than the one before faster than I could blink. His breathing got heavy, his eyes distressed when he looked at me.

"It...it's so empty, Caspian", Wilder said, his voice on the verge of dying out, "I've, uhh, been so numb...it's terrifying"

His glance broke when the first drop of red hit the floor, and I jerked forward to stop him as he ran the blade down once again. Mercilessly, like he was about to cut off something that binds him. As if pain set him free.

His arm trembled in my hand, strong but crushed under my touch, and I saw Wilder's lips tremble slightly.

"It's so scary, Caspian", he frowned, appearing as he had just walked out of hell, "I just want to feel something"

My heart pounded in my chest at his broken state, and I gripped his wrist tightly all while feeling immensely helpless.

Oh, fuck it. Screw not having the right to intervene, because I cannot just look as he fades away. Please, Wilder, be here with me.

I pinned his unharmed arm to the dark wood behind him, and I felt his skin get goose-bumps all over when my breath fell to his neck. I kissed a stop lightly, nibbling on it as I heard the fragile body under me let out a breath of surprise.

"What are you doing?", Wilder sounded unstable, his voice cracked in more places than one.

He tried to shift and escape from under me, and I let out a hot breath before biting down into his skin. I felt his legs twitch and then go stiff, reacting to the sudden pain. His right hand came down on my shoulder, pushing me away helplessly.

"Cas...what..", his breaths got heavier, and I felt his heart beating frantically, "Let go"

I ignored his order, sucking on the spot I had bitten ruthlessly and hearing him whimper, flinching to get away from instinct, but achieving nothing. I detached my lips from his neck, ignoring his weak attempts to push me off him.

He's not getting away now.

"You said you wanted to feel something, right?", a smirk settled on my lips, and I watched his eyes go from shocked to scared, "I'll make you feel it, Wilder, don't worry"

He was about to say something, but I swallowed his words and kissed him deeper than I had ever before. I let go of his left hand, sneaking my fingers under his shirt.

I raked my nails up and down his back, feeling him tremble under my touch, and when I finally ended the kiss, there were tears in his eyes.