Drowning

Chapter 2

It was raining again today. Thundering, grey skies, pretty clouds overruling the fields and buildings. Taking over everything in its path with a dark mist  that takes you in, making everything feel slow. It feels like when your watching something bad happen and you could save the person but you just sit and watch and you freeze and want to help but can't. You want to catch them when they start to trip but you just cant. I sit on the edge of my bed, looking out the window, draped in rain. The window is open, and the watered air makes me feel okay. Or maybe it's the medication finally working for me, lightning flashes while I'm staring out onto the roof I like to sit outside on during the summer, looking up at the stars with the warm sun leaving this side of the earth. I get brought back to where I am psychically. I'm shaking, I can tell because my hands are holding a warm mug and the water inside is rippling. I've just had so much on my mind lately it's nice to try relax. My therapist (whom I'm suppose to meet with later) told my mother I might have an eating disorder, which I guess I can see, I barely eat anything anymore. And I've never liked my appearance all that much. My face, always covered in acne, my weight, my hair, my nose, my limbs. just everything I guess. My therapist says that can be a sign of depression, not eating, not enjoying the things I used too, I mean All I ever do anymore is sit in here, my room, the place I'm not comfortable in but also have no where else to go. Listening to the same song over and over again, or listening to my podcasts. They want to put me on a lot of medication for this stuff. The sad thing is, most of my friends are dealing with stuff like this too, or they already have. Bulimia, purging, sleeping pills, anxiety and depression meds. Stuff that teenagers shouldn't have to take on. I have some happiness though, the few friends who stand with me still, alessia, the girl who I loved and got loved back by, over the summer at least, the one I could talk too.  Ally, my girlfriend, and a few others, the only ones I could be honest with before being honest with myself. And ally ? Oh my god<3 I love to stare into her ocean eyes, she's gone through a lot, but her eyes still shine so brightly. it's the most beautiful thing ever, she's the most beautiful thing ever. I love her, she loves me, " ally and trinity, trinity and ally" I've liked her for two years, and I went with her and a few others to valley fair one day, where on one of the last rides, (after holding hands practically all day) I told her I liked her and she asked me out the next day, we've been dating for 4 months this Thursday. I don't know if that's a lot of time to some people or if it is but it's been making me so happy, just getting a typing notification from her makes me so happy. I mean, I just Get so scared to see what she's said... there's been a lot of times where I get so anxious and overwhelmed with stuff going on I half to log off of all of my accounts but she finds a way to make sure I'm okay, and I love that about her. She remembers things we talked about months ago together, things I've said I like doing, or places I want to go. And it's really sweet that she cares enough to listen.  And I just-
Thunder shakes the sky, and I zone back in, I check my phone, nothing I think to myself. No one ever says anything to me anyways. I mean half the time I'm happy about that, I have pretty bad social anxiety, and if you mix that with depression, it's not a happy outcome. Half the time I want to throw my phone across the room and just sleep so I don't have to think, and. The other half of me wants to just change everything about my accounts and to delete my photos and tweets and things I've said to people, and what they've said to me, because it gets to be too much. So I just put my headphones in. I delete things I wish I wouldn't but in my head I have too, there's something inside making me, even when I say "no" repeatedly to myself. And I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be sad all the time, I don't want to be underweight and still think about what I eat and why I do it. It's not fun. It's hell. I look down at my wrist. Scars? I like to think of them if things I've gotten through or still am trying too. There's a lot of them, a lot of places I've done it, scars in places that eventually won't be seen, because they fade. So many places and little black and white scars, scattered around, I can't wear shorts because of it, but I don't like showing off my body anyways. But at the same time I want to be able to go into public without being glared at. Judged for something that took over me. A chemical imbalance. I look out the window again. Still raining. But it's nice. It drowns the ground , while drowning out most of my thoughts. I think about how I felt this way a year and a Half ago, the only difference is that my best friend was still alive, here with me, coming up with conspiracy theories about people and tv shows. I miss shawn. He had so much to live for, but after his brothers suicide.. and his moms abuse towards him in so many ways, I guess he had just taken it all in for the last time. But now he's  gone. And I feel like I am too. A knock on the door brings me back to my cold room and warm tea. "Trinity? Are you still in there" my mother says, "we have to leave soon for therapy" I set my mug on my window sill and hop off my bed, and walk towards the door, "yeah I know" I say, pausing when I see she's holding a plate of food. "Trinity you need to eat something, you haven't eaten since yesterday and it's noon" she says, nudging the plate my way. her long fingernails tapping against my door frame. I hold out my hands, covered with my sleeves to my fingertips  but ready to grasp the warm plate. She hands it too me, with a feared look in her eyes, I can see my reflection in her glasses, tall, pale skin, long messy blonde hair, "skinny". I don't know what to think of how I see myself. I realize that I've been just staring down at the plate thinking all of these things with my mom then standing right in front of me, I wonder what she's thinking of me right now. "Thanks" I say, looking her sincerely in the eyes . She nods and than closes my door and stars to walk down the stairs, "step, pause, step, pause, step, pause" all the way down. I bring the food to my desk, and set it aside. I grab my laptop and start to log in. I shut my window a little bit. I'm freezing. I proceed to grab a blanket and than I sit down  in my chair, crossing my legs while facing my laptop. "Google," I type in. I go to my Spotify and turn my music from my phone off. I plug it in.  I shuffle one of my favorite playlists to listen to when it's raining. I eat half of what's on my plate, and than put it aside and lay down. I want to sleep. It's all I ever want to do anymore, just sleep. I wipe my cheeks with the side of my wrist realizing I was crying. I just don't want to do anything, I don't want think. I just want to sleep, I have a few hours before therapy anyways. I lay down and close my eyes, the next thing I know I'm asleep but awake. And I can hear my mothers voice  trying to sound sober and tell me to wake up, "hey it's time to go, " she pauses, "come on trinity" she says louder and more upsetly.. I open my eyes, groggy, everything's blurry and I can barely see, it's dark but not dark enough to not see anything. she rips off my blanket and scowls, "i told you i don't want you to sleep during the day, it fucks up your sleep schedule, or at least set an alarm when we have places to go". she leaves my room slolwy dragging her feet behind her every step. She's been acting different since I got back, ever since the hospital.. she won't let me take a bath anymore. She's worried I'll try to drown myself again. Try to scream underwater thinking my lungs will take in the water as the air goes out. It was soothing. I think about that morning a lot. It all just went to my head I guess. I get flashbacks when I'm washing my face sometimes, cupping freezing water and splashing it on my face, or holding it there and not my breath.