My Mate is My Dog

I am so sorry 😔

I know  I am fucking stupid I just loved him so much and I still do but he was not really happy with me anymore no one can love me how can anyone love me I am me I hate myself I am exactly what my best friends ex called me😔  ( whore , slut, I should kill my self, etc) I guess  I was so stupid to think that everything would be ok and that I would be truly happy but every time I get too happy something happens to fuck up my mood why did I think that we would last I knew that he was going to break up with me I had a feeling but I ignored it I just keep getting hurt by him but I can't stop loving him and I want to stop but I don't know how because even when we weren't dating and we would just be talking I would think of all the reasons  why I  love him I love him so much but I guess the feeling is not the same I don't want to be weak and cry I feel broken because he broke me he has my heart 😔 and I don't think I will ever feel the same for someone for a very long time he made me so happy I would worry about him and i guess that annoyed him I am crying a lot right now  I am sorry My best friend for not  listening to you I am so fucking stupid I thought he loved me I guess  I was wrong why do I keep letting my self get hurt I don't fucking know I feel so useless I am sorry for bothering you with this and not having another chapter uploaded yet but I can't sleep I am shaking I can barely breathe  I can't eat I am depressed thank you  my readers for always being here for me I am sorry if I make you mad sad stressed or confused That I have not posted a new chapter in a while it's just this shit has been going on for a while it's just idk rn I just want to actually be loved by a boy and not get hurt all the time 3 boys want to date me at my school but I can't date them for a while and I feel bad because one of them is so sweet and is nice to everyone but I can't handle another relationship right now and he said he would wait but he will have to wait a long time I feel like shit right now I don't want to seam like a whore or seem like I need a guy but I don't and  I don't think I will really be happy for a while I know  I am ranting I am sorry I am probably making you annoyed because you have to read all of this you make my life a lot better you and my best friends Samantha and McKayla are the two most important reasons I wake up every morning that I don't just kill my self rn sometimes I wish I would close my eyes and never open them ever again or when I feel like cutting I think of my best friends because they  would not want me to hurt myself so I stop and put the sharp object down I need you guys  and girls in my life when I see how many people have read my book I get happy because I honestly thought I would only get 10 reads at the most you keep me sane you keep me from fully snapping I think about suicide a lot but I never act on it because my besties would not want me to I try to stay happy most of my smiles are fake now I am hiding my pain hiding how I really feel because in all honesty I am not ok and I just want to thank you for being my best friends and actually reading my book I know people are going to think this is fake and that I am a " attention seaking whore" but it is all real I am just tied of hiding all of this shit now you know the most important things about my self that I never want anyone to know for example : I used to cut I am almost 1 month clean, I have panic attacks , I am depressed, I am fucking stupid, I am broken, I am  short , ugly and fat my own mother has told me to put on make up so I will look pretty 😔, I get bullied , I keep getting hurt from the same guy I keep going back to him because I love him so much while he was juggling my heart and another girls heart at the same time , I have suicidal thoughts. I am sorry but I felt like you guys needed to know what is going on and why I have not been uploading new chapters but I promise when I get better I will make a new chapter I am just so stressed out and a bunch of shit is happening one of my friends died a few weeks ago he had a seizure because he hit his head then he slipped in to a coma then he passed I am so stressed out then this week I found out one of my close friends cousins  committed suicide he died the same way his mother and older brother died they all shot a pistol through their  head the same way it was the same exact pistol too  and I have a friend that lives all the way in the U.K. I live in the United States that pretty far well he is very suicidal I don't know how he is right now because he said he was done with life and tried to hang him self he blocked me on everything the last thing he said was I love you bye 😔I kept trying to tell him to stop he would not listen I have not. Heard from him in a while I really hope his mom found him in time I really hope he is ok I miss talking to him everyday he told me he loved me more than a friend but I was dating someone when he told me I feel so empty with all the shit going on right now he tried to hang himself on his birthday he told me since I was not there to hug him if my birthday present to him was let him kill himself I said no he got mad and blocked me one every social media account I can only handle so much stress i can't handle much more I have had panic attacks more frequently now but that's just junior high for ya I guess  and I have been questioning my sexually I think I am pansexual but I will get bullied at school even more than I already am  I have already came out to 2 of my friends and I have dropped hints to the other plz don't send hate this is all real I am not posting this to make you feel bad for me I am posting this so you know what I am going through so you know why I have not been uploading chapters I am so sorry I will when I feel my self again but I don't know how long that will be thank you my readers for reading my shitty story and this book is not finished I just need to get everything ok again but for now I hope all you people are ok and are having a good life