Deep

Boys, smh.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to write. I'm kinda lost for words, and full of confused emotions. My thoughts are hitting me in the brain like a truck; honking to try and pull me together. Or maybe pulling me apart. They play with my mind.  Sometimes they're telling me to stop being so stupid, and sometimes they tell me to make the worst decisions. When do I listen to them? Or do I try to ignore them? Sometimes that fucks me up more. Maybe I'm just not good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough. Maybe I need to change everything about myself in order to be a better person. Because whatever I'm doing right now, just isn't good enough. Nothing near good enough.

I used to be really sad all the time, but like, things recently started getting better. Like, alot better. But now? Not. It hurts. Do you want to know what's been happening? Let me explain it to you.

Let me start off by saying that the majority of boys I've met on the earth, are assholes and players. They don't deserve to be loved. They don't deserve the things they have. I liked this guy, let's name him Lennon. Alright, so Lennon told me that he really likes me, and I had this huge crush on him. We didn't date, but he told me he would ask me out. We talked to 3ish months. I told him everything. It was so easy for me to open up to him. Everytime I was sad, I went to him and he cheered me up. He made me very happy.  One day, he told me that he loved me. I didn't say it back because I didn't.  Not yet. I was flattered, but why would he say that? 3 days later, he got a girl friend. It killed me. I literally felt like he pushed me off the edge of the planet. He pushed me so far away. He made me so happy. We were happy. What made him throw it all away? Imagine a cat and dog. The dog is just as small as the cat. They are best friends. The cat and dog do everything together; go for walks, cuddle, and play. Then all of a sudden, a puppy comes along, and the first dog leaves the cat for the puppy. The cat gets very sad, because the dog left his best friend; I'm the cat. He's the dog, and she's the puppy.  He threw me away. I was nothing to him. I was a toy being played with. But no one cared. As everyone says, cats are independent and don't need as much attention as dogs. Can't can be alone, dogs can't be. Well that analogy is bullshit. Everyone should be loved equally; but apparently not me.

Oh, and did I mention my ex cheated on me? Oh yes. He did indeed. He won't admit to it, but I know who he cheated on me with.  He can't hide.

And just the other day, ANOTHER boy played me. Told me I was cute, flirted with me; even asked me on a date. He held my hand as he walked me to church. Then guess what? He told me he was gay. Oh come on. I know you are not gay. Like honestly, I dated a guy that was gay (that's a other story) I know he's not gay. I'm pretty sure it was a cover up. I understand why he said it though. He really is a sweet guy. Man, why can't I have someone like him? (Besides the 'flirt and drop') One day I'll find someone who treats me how I should be treated.

These guys all treated me as shit. Oh yes, and the one that cheated on me, was trying to use me for sex. Awe shucks, I'm getting played left and right eh? He never really loved me, but I really did love him.