Beautiful You

Chapter 1

For the many people in the world without a sense of feeling, I hope that you find comfort in these words: "You matter".

Her only friend is the television and the stuffed animals she keeps by her bed. She lives on an air mattress getting ready to leave all that she has created in this place. The few people with which she associates are just as outgoing as she pretends to be. Hurting herself inside feels more comfortable to her than just crying her eyes out to some stranger claiming to help. With this mindset she carries on just as she did the previous times she's had to move.

She silently curses herself for wanting to hurt her only parent in her life. Her mother wasn't necessarily divorced, but she might as well have been. The girl's father is never good to any of the women with whom he's dated, married, or just outright fucked. He stays with those women to hear what he wants and leaves as though he was never there. Except, instead of "never there" he makes sure they remember. A child serves as a trophy for each relationship he's been through.

She was a trophy from her mother's time. He would beat the mother and call her any and every name but a child of the Lord. It was when the girl got older did the mother finally say 'enough' to the constant abuse and left. She left behind the cruel man fated to repeat his cycle and took the evidence of such a relationship.

Here, this girl sits, unmoved by the world, untouched by the words she types away on her computer. This isn't a heart-wrenching story for her, it's her life. All the thoughts of worthlessness and pity; all the suicidal dreams that felt all too real, those are her reality. A life as boring as hers currently is isn't worth living. She thinks that to herself day in and day out.

The people she leaves and the people she meets are all frightening to her. She isn't sure what she'll regret or enjoy, so she does neither. She refuses to take the initiative and wait for an outcome. To her, waiting for something good and waiting for something bad to happen are both as foolish as the other.

It isn't her fault that she ends up thinking the unthinkable. She has "bad brain chemistry" that prevents her from seeing just how inconceivable it is to think of murdering her own mother. She goes through life showing people the face they want to see; reacts to things based on society and what is deemed appropriate in certain situations. Love isn't a real concept to her. It's just something everyone else says and feels so she emulates the same to feel accepted.

She has "mood swings" that explain away her slumps and hyperactive behavior. She even has alterations within the same day multiple times. It is the same reason she feels the need to lie to the people around her so they don't see the blank canvas. They shouldn't see that she hasn't even started her work when they have all finished their masterpieces.

To all those with some sort of loneliness, she and I hope that you find someone you can trust, someone that loves you even if you don't understand.

I will continue to find ways to connect with the brokenhearted, the weary, the defeated, bullied--the lost. I will find some way to let you know you matter.