Beautiful You

Chapter 2

There are unfortunate things that happen at school. Insecurity and loneliness are inescapable in the place where everyone has a clique and everyone knows somebody.

If you are alone when eating I will be your entertainment. Laugh at me, criticize me, I want to bring something other than monotony. Please feel better.

She sits in class typing to an unknowing audience. They care not for her effort, nor do they want to try. All of this is fine with her circumstances. She has fake smiles for days and a personality that makes anyone feel better.

Just a little while longer.

She thinks of this simple mantra every time something difficult comes her way. Too many people crowding her personal space? Bear with it just a little while longer. Interacting with those people? Soldier through it just a little while longer. When life feels so fucking difficult and ending it all sounds so much better than living? She knows that after every storm a rainbow can be seen. Maybe she can't see it right away or she might miss it entirely, but either way it will be waiting for her.

This having been said, she quietly trudges through her drab life and plasters a smile that repels others. The worst thing to her is the interaction with people. She hates the sympathetic words, halfhearted consoling, and most of all, she feels extremely uncomfortable being around those that fuss and make a big deal over the tiniest things.

The other day, during her lunch time with her weird group of "friends", she broke down in tears. An incident happened not long ago and brought her to the brink of a breakdown. She held back and quietly sobbed in her own space. Just a little while longer.

The ones sitting around her were motionless, unsure of what had happened. They exchanged glances silently and crossed her bubble. One had the wherewithal to gently pat her back and encroach on her space. The same space in which she worked so diligently to keep others out was being violated. She had snapped.

She hadn't meant her words to stab like tiny daggers toward the person. She truly hadn't meant to burst into tears, yet she did so.

Her words shot out of her mouth without a thought and the person for whom she had felt a strong disliking toward quickly removed their hand from her back. She felt no better or worse knowing she had hurt someone. Ah, just a little while longer.

She was better the next day. The day afterwards was also a good one in the long run. So the days went, she felt to be in a better mood than the previous one. Occasional bumps and minor hiccups occurred, as is the usual for any typical life, but the days weren't getting any worse, or should she say, they all felt the same. She had found herself in the lower part of the swing. She felt amazing being so high up the past few days, but she knew it was impossible to win against gravity.

Only a handful of people that she knew on a personal level had the talent, the special skill, to make her feel the slightest bit better. With those people she wouldn't call a friend but wouldn't call a stranger, her days didn't feel quite as miserable. Even those she didn't know and watched from the screen of her computer in videos made her feel happier.

The people she decided to greet each morning gave her a smile in return. She had made a goal, back in her more naive moments in life, to greet everyone at her school. She knew it was impossible and didn't much care for knowing certain people, nor did she like talking to others, but she was determined nevertheless. Passing the same people in the hallway on her way to classes, she would stop and turn to ask their name after a long while of a common "Hi, person".

She feels better every time she greets someone new and never feels the need to plaster on a fake smile. She forms a genuine smirk or grin that makes her look more beautiful than anything imaginable. The sincerity of her heart makes life a bit easier.

So when she silently thinks 'just a little while longer' she doesn't look forward to the time she leaves or the day she's done with those people forever, she looks forward to making new memories that will have her feel better about herself.

She doesn't have many people on her side that know the true her. She isn't a crazy, energetic girl, or a shy loner. She is both and none while still going through life with her opposing thoughts. The thoughts of ending things, the thoughts of enjoying the cold air in a thin jacket, and the thought of nothing in her mind but useless songs all belong to her.

She speaks her mind and keeps her mouth shut. I, however, feel the obligation to entertain at this very moment. Are you not entertained?