Jack's Drowning Girl

Jack's Drowning Girl: Part One

*screen touch to video of Markiplier: "the top asked question you guys had this week was: "Who is Jack's drowning girl""

Cut to PewDiePie: "...drowning girl..."

Dan:"...drowning girl..."

A mash up of other YouTubers all saying "Who is Jack's drowning girl?"

The images speed up until finally the screen goes black. The noise behind the picture crescendos to a loud, intense sound that presents letters flying onto the screen: "JACK'S DROWNING GIRL"

Below the title a countdown clock fades in. The clock counts down until it finally reads: 0:00.00*

(WAPOOSH) "Top of the morning to you laddies! My name is Jack Septiceye, and today's video is going to be a little different." (Jack pushes his bangs out of his face, leans on his elbows and looks into the camera) "I'm not going to be playing any games today or talking much about myself. (laughs) I love how I'm trying to be all secretive and stuff about this, you also have a video title and my preview video. I tried to give all you guys time to settle in, because this is going to be a long one. I'm sure by now you've all noticed that this is a live video which is also not something I typically do. The reason this video is at such an odd time and it is live is because of (laugh) The person you guys have dubbed "the drowning girl." Now, you guys first started asking about the "drowning girl" after these photos were taken while I was on vacation.

*Photos of Jack and the back of a girl at a pool flash across the screen. The girl is falling into the water and Jack is jumping in after her. Later photos show him wrapping her in a towel and hugging her. The last picture was of the two of them leaving the pool holding hands.*

"I think it's funny that you guys latched onto these pictures so hard. This girl, let's call her...... Rainy, just because of water. And for no other fucking reason. I'm not going to give her away just yet. (He shakes his finger at the camera) no, no, that won't be until the very end of this video. I'm not going to just tell you all, nope! You got to earn her identity. (Makes an over exaggerated intense stare at camera then laughs)

Well, I'm going to start from the beginning then. (Clears throat) so one day, I got a letter from a fan, but this was like an actual handwritten letter, so it caught my attention. It was also written in this really pretty green pen, and green is one of my favorite colors so I was obviously going to read it. I mean I usually read my Fanmail anyway, but I was drawn to this one. I actually still have it, and I'm going to read it for you guys."

(Unfolds paper and looks down at it. Clears throat)

" 'Dear Jack,
'I have just recently gotten into your videos, and I thought you would appreciate a genuine letter of gratitude.' I love how she started this letter. I could just feel all her, like, nervous fan tension through her letter. (Smiles) But anyways, she continued... 'well I am going to write you that letter of gratitude, because you deserve it. I have, no idea what you were like outside of your YouTube videos, and I won't try to assume anything about you. From what I can tell, you are a kind person who is genuine with your fans, and despite how you love to be loud and shower, you still are overly hot tempered. I relate to this more then I could ever express in words, but this is me giving it a try. I admire you. I always thought that if a person swore they were terrible person, because that is the way I was raised. When I was younger, I started to use foul language, but I always felt like I should stop. But how are used it made me creative, it was like an outlet. This is going to sound extremely lame, but I like the colorful insults that you come up with and you really made me feel like I wasn't some terrible abomination that should die because of my language. You're clearly a nice human being, so if you're so nice and you like to cuss and swear like I do, then maybe I'm not so bad.'
(Smiles) "This still baffles me. She doesn't say this in the letter, but..., What did I say her name was? Rainy! Right, anyway. "Rainy" has a pathological fear of going to hell, so... I... Apparently help her ease the fear that she has about it. (cute little squishy smile) that's actually a really personal thing for her, but don't worry (Holds out hands) I asked her everything before this, so she knows I'm talking about it. She's very open about things. (Mimic voice) Well then Jack-a-boy, why haven't you told us who she is yet? (Normal voice) Just, just, hang on! I'm getting to it! Just hold your horses! I'll keep going!
'I love watching your videos, and I won't  lie and say I've seen the mall because I am the new fan, but nevertheless you're one of my favorite human beings. I can tell that much.
'I hear that you'll be out of town, and also that you'll be going to...'
"oh, hold on, (looks up at camera) i'm not going to tell you where she is from yet! I'm keeping this shit secret. I'll continue...
'...Which is close to my home town. I remember watching your video about Coda and the one game with all the notes and how when you said "don't worry, I'll talk to you." Or something along those lines, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how an actual conversation with you would go. I just couldn't stop. I think it would be a really nice experience, and I'd really love to have that opportunity if you're willing.
'You will not hurt my feelings in the slightest if you reject this proposition because I understand that this letter could be considered extremely creepy, but I figure I might as well give it a try.
'*Awkwardly clears throat*'
"Just for the record, she actually wrote that little "awkwardly clears throat bit. I love it! It really caught my attention and now that I know her better, I know how she intended that and how she would have actually said it in a conversation. This probably isn't as cute to you guys because you don't know... Rainy, and do you also have different... I am, like... Attractions than I do, but I love adorable things, and you guys are getting to hear the letter with the same amount of context that I did when I first read it. So, hopefully you're appreciating this as much as I did. It was just so genuine.
'Jack Septiceye, this is my strange little way of asking you on a "date". I have no reason to believe that it would go well, but I also have no reason to believe it would go poorly. I have little reason to even expect you to be able to come. You know nothing about me besides what little you might have picked out of this letter, but I still hope that you would consider my offer.'
"she then goes on to tell me where she'll be and what time frame she is there. She also goes on to reassure me that if I don't show up she'd be at this place anyway, so I shouldn't feel guilty if I couldn't get in contact with her to tell her I couldn't make it or if I just didn't want to or something like that, and I'm glad she did that. At first I didn't think I would answer the letter or anything, but I kept reading. And I'm glad I did.
'I love that you call movies and TV shows and that you do impressions, because I also do both of those. Granted your impressions are way better than mine, but that will give us something to talk about. The last thing I want to do is waste your time, but please at least consider my offer. I know I'm saying that a lot, but hey, what else are nervous fans good for beside a nice laugh every once in a while.
'In my head I'm playing the scene from the princess bride where Wesley explains that "the Dread Pirate Roberts" let him live because he said please.
'I think you'll understand that reference, but even if you don't I'll leave you to your business. "Good night Wesley. I'll most likely kill you in the morning"'

"and then she signed the letter and ended it. (Rubs beard and looks up into the air) I laugh for admitting this, but it actually was the Princess bride quote that made me read the letter again. I absolutely love the Princess bride. It is one of my favorite movies, and the more I read the letter the more I felt like I knew Rainy really well, and I kept rereading it. I started feeling little butterflies in my stomach when I thought about the possibility of meeting her in the real life. I actually wondered a couple of times if she was like, some kind of crazy hypnotist and was going to kill me, but I finally decided that I was going to go and see her.
"I know! I know! It probably wasn't a very smart thing to do considering all of the murders and shit that are happening around the world, but I couldn't get that letter out of my mind. It was like, an, ear worm or something, so I decided to go. But by the time I did decide it was too late to send her a letter, so I decided to go see her. I know I'm saying decided a lot, but leave me alone! It's a live video, and I was just about to tell you that I was actually nervous when I woke up that morning. I thought about looking her up on social media or something, but I've never been on a blind date before so I was broadening my horizons I guess. And I could tell from her letter that she was a little self-conscious, well I couldn't tell it from her letter, but it really seems like maybe... Possibly... She was and from my experience the most self-conscious people usually have no reason to be that way. So, I finally decided I would just go for it and see how it went.