His Steel Gaze

Chapter 3

I'm sitting on a worn out mattress with a quilt wrapped around my body. My arms are cradling my knees as I hold them against my chest. I don't know why but my brain can't seem to register the fact that my mother is dead. Eren's mother is dead and I couldn't help them. My eyes brim with silent tears for the hundredth time in the last two hours. I picture her right next to me alive and telling me we will get through this. But she's gone and all I can do is crave for her warm arms around me. I let out a whimper. My heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest and stabbed until there's nothing left. I want to cry out or scream in the pure agony that's stabbing my whole body like needles. Suddenly I feel two pairs of arms wrap around my small frame and warmth surrounds me. "guys" I say my voice cracking. "Shhhh Nani let it out" Mikasa says in a soft voice and I can only reply with a sob. It's only a few minutes later and I'm full on crying into their arms. Then I can hear a sniffle from Mikasa and I look up to see her eyes full of tears. I look up to see Eren's cheeks stained with tears. He looks broken and I untangle my arms from around my knees and hug him like my life depends on it. I hug Mikasa too as we cry. We eventually stop but we stay in each others embrace. I look up slightly and my eyes get heavy from exhaustion. My eyes lock with grey eyes almost identical to my own as I'm enveloped in darkness.

💠 One Week Later 💠

I'm standing in a field lined next to other volunteers. A couple days after getting through the walls there was a demand for volunteers to sign up for the Survey Corps. My name was first on the list because I sure as hell didn't want to sit around and do nothing while those monsters roam my city. Eren and Mikasa both signed up afterwards. Eren had been acting angry and violent every time the titans had been brought up " I'll kill them all" He would say and I don't blame him. I couldn't sleep, my stomach wouldn't take food and I couldn't stop the silent tears during the night. I felt weak and I was. I grew angry with myself but that really didn't help my case at all. I remember a couple days ago I was curled up on the worn mattress and my mind drifted to my mother no matter how hard I tried. I could feel angry hot tears stream down my cheeks and I wiped them away viciously. Eren and Mikasa kept thinking I was still mourning which I am but that's not what I cry about, I cry because I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I'm weak and vulnerable. I remember the decision I made to myself and to her in the bed that night. I swore that I would be strong and I would avenge her in some way. That was also the first night I slept properly since she died. So now your caught up and I'm in a field where one of my superiors is yelling bloody murder to the many volunteers perfectly lined up in rows of ten. My face stayed neutral throughout his rant about not tolerating weakness and such. I felt like laughing when a girl I think Sasha already got in trouble because of a potato. Several people looked regretful for volunteering yet I just stayed straight faced. The yelling man went from person to person yelling in their faces trying to make them break under the pressure. One girl looked as if she was about to cry but she kept her cool and I just stared ahead as he got closer and closer to me. I could hear him yelling at Eren from beside me but I didn't listen and I concentrated on staring forward. He suddenly showed up in my face "And you!" he yelled and I didn't flinch. " You think your so strong don't you! This act will become useless if you don't show yourself worthy of being in this program!" He yelled, towering over me, only a bored expression played at my features. "You think your the shit don't you, you cocky bastard. Your parents would be disappointed in you!" He screamed and I felt Eren tense beside me and I suddenly saw red. I tried to keep my face from changing and I let out a deep shaky breath trying to keep my composure, waiting for this guy to leave but he didn't move. "Oh what did I hurt your feelings gonna run home to mommy?" I snapped. Before I could register what I was doing my fist came in contact with his nose, a disgusting crunch was heard under my fist. His eyes widened in surprise and I took no time in kneeing him in the stomach which caused him to take in a wheeze of a breath and fall to his knees. To finish him of I brought my leg up and swiftly kicked him in the side of the head, his body slumping to the floor. My body shook in anger and I took deep breaths to calm myself down. When I felt somewhat calm again my face became plane and bored. I just stood there not realizing until now that all eyes were on me. Well shit. Someone tried to contain their laughter but failed miserably and soon half of the people in the field were giggling like school girls and the rest just stared in awe. What has no one handed his ass to him before? Well there's a first time for everything. Eren was silent beside me and I turned to him to see his eyes wide in surprise. "what?" I said carelessly. I don't know what this is gonna do to my reputation but- oh wait he's moving. He stared up at me and I actually almost laughed at what I'd done to him. His nose was turned at a unnatural angle and the whole area around it was already purple and bruising. It looked disgusting honestly and I almost said "gross" but held my comment. "Everyone is free to go to the cabins except you." He said pointing at me, his words laced with venom and I just stared at him. Everyone started walking away and I just stayed where I was, playing with the grass under my feet. The guy was suddenly in my face again but with a evil grin on his bruised face. "Corporal Levi's gonna have fun with you." He said evilly. I wonder who he is. Well good job Nani you already fucked up your first day, I scolded myself. We ended up at another cabin which was a distance from the others but not far you couldn't see them. The guy let's just call him Douche knocked on the door and we waited for a minute until the door opened to reveal none other than Corporal Levi. We were about the same height he might be a little shorter than me. He wore plain sweatpants and a clean white t-shirt, his black hair was messy but in a clean way if that makes any sort of sense. He looked at us with a bored expression that almost mirrored mine but he looked more displeased and his grey eyes shifted from Douche's to mine. He held his gaze on me longer and I just looked back at him. He turned back to Douche. "What do you want it's my day off" He said to Douche almost scowling. I guess Douche is just an unpleasant person to be around. "And why did you bring a brat with you." He said not even looking at me. Well hello to you too ass face. I thought to myself. "Well this 'brat' caused this." Douche said gesturing to his nose and the side of his head which is now modeling a new bruise. "And not to mention a bruise that's forming on my stomach." He adds on and I internally pat myself on the back. The Corporal just looked more displeased and actually scowled this time. "What do you want me to do about it?" He asked Douche who looked surprised for a minute then just mad. "Well punish her or something I'm her superior she has no way to treat me that way!" He sounds like a five year old and I can't help but add "Your not really superior to me if I can hand your ass to you on a silver platter on my first day here." I say unimpressed. They are both looking at me now and I just shrugged, just bored with this situation and the Corporal turned back to Douche now annoyed. "The brat's right you shouldn't have had your guard down we didn't train you that way and you shouldn't have come whining to me about it like a five year old. Your wasting my time and you." Corporal looked to me. "Go back to your cabin." I just nodded and turned to walk away leaving a dumbfounded Douche behind. I took slower strides when I ended up away from the cabin admiring the sky. It was a beautiful shade of pink and orange perfectly blended together. I looked to the side slightly to see a blossom tree at the edge of the forest which was a little ways away from the cabins but I walked towards it anyways. As I approached the tree I couldn't help but smile slightly at the petals that fell to the ground. I sat on the ground against the base of the tree, feeling the grass between my fingers. The small smile I had grew when a comforting breeze ran through my hair sending me into my childhood. All the visits to the tree back home. The birthday's at the tree, the titan, the wall...my mom. Before I new it silent tears streamed down my cheeks and I stared at the sky with a bored expression on my face but the tears didn't stop. "Shit.. I'm sorry I'm so weak." I said to myself. I broke my promise on the first day. "I'll be strong for you mom I promise." I whispered as I looked at the sky feeling my eyes get heavy. I closed them and just listened to my surroundings. I swore I heard light footsteps but after listening for a minute it was silent so I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, my head falling to the side on my shoulder.