Krism Kills the Patriarchy

Chapter 3: Something Blemished this Way Comes

The Author managed to keep her eyes open long enough to write the chapter title, successfully managing to document it before she had time to forget it. She high-fived herself for her witty title, somehow managing to slap herself in the face. She then collapsed into bed, where she dreamed of hundreds of tiny Krisms chasing her around with miniature baseball bats.

The next morning, the party set off for Texas.

"According to this," Izik informed the group as he read the fanfic, "we should be reaching Texas in about four days."

"So, if we add an extra day to murder The Patriarchy, plus another one for the night Minx is gonna make me sleep on the couch for cruelly abandoning her with no explanation or goodbye..." Krism pointedly looked at The Author, who valiantly rebuffed any and all attempts at eye-contact. "Then I'll be back in my bebe's arms in about ten days."

"Think you can last that long?" Suzy asked, rummaging through her makeup and props bag as they walked along.

"Nope!" Came the immediate reply. "Hey, Author, I can't last this long without Minx, so you may as well just let me have her now!"

Minx is not coming into the story yet, now stop asking!

Krism fell silent, secretly planning The Author's extended torture and eventual death.

Suddenly, the ground shook with a force that knocked the party off of their feet and rattled more than a few teeth. Out of the dense forest stomped a giant, muscular humanoid monster. His skin was dry and cracked like parchment, his face was severe and angular, and blotchy marks and blemishes covered the whole of his body. His burning red eyes fixated on the party, and he slammed all four of his mighty fists into the ground, causing another small earthquake and leaving deep depressions in the parts of the ground unfortunate enough to be beneath him.

"SO," He bellowed with a voice so deep, the party felt it in their stomachs, "THESE ARE THE MIGHTY ADVENTURERS WHO DARE TO CHALLENGE THE PATRIARCHY?! A TRIO OF BITCHES ON THEIR PERIODS, AND A FAGGOT?!"

"Hey, that's uncalled for!" Krism yelled as her trusty bat flew into her hand.

"Yeah! I'm not on my period!" Holly informed the monster, her arms crossing indignantly. The group threw a collective sideways glance at the wispy blond. "Oh! And you shouldn't call gay people that word! It's very impolite!"

"Well, I don't really mind," Izik admitted, pushing his glasses up along his nose, "I mean, it's just a word. I feel like if I made a big deal out of it, then I'm giving the folks who say it more power. And, when you think about it..."

The Author face-palmed before giving the monster the "get on with it" sign, before the story devolved into a social debate.

"Uh...N-NEVERTHELESS!!!" The monster recovered with impressive professionalism. "YOUR QUEST ENDS HERE! I'LL SEND YOU FEMINAZIS BACK TO THE KITCHEN, WHERE YOU BELONG!"

"Wait, question!" Krism raised her hand. "What about Izik? Does that mean he gets to keep going?"

"N-NO!" The monster bellowed, sweating a bit as he didn't expect the story to go so far off script. "HE CAN...I DUNNO, SUCK A COCK, OR WHATEVER IS IT YOU PEOPLE DO!"

"Hey, whoa!" The gray squirrel straightened up and glared at the monster. "What the FUCK do you mean by 'you people'?!"

"UH...YOU KNOW...YOU HOMOS!" The monster was really starting to feel the pressure of sudden improvisation.