Dear Everyone

Dear Everyone, (Part 1) - Nothing Gold Can Stay

Dear Everyone,
It's been a long time and it's about time I admit it.

I miss you..... I miss all of you. I miss our adventures. Our jokes. Our laughs. Our friendships. Us together, like we thought we always would be.

But if I've learned anything this year, its Nothing Gold Can Stay. Pony boy from the Outsiders witnessed it, but didn't really understand it until his best friend, Johnny died. I realize it, because my best friends are gone. They've vanished.

I know it was me. I was the one who changed. I was the one who went crazy. I had a problem. But I'm over it. I've seeked help and I'm getting it. I truly am. I'm getting better. Maybe if I had the conformity, I would be stable. But I'm not. My best friend left me.....but I left her too.
I will be completely honest with you. In The beginning of the year, I sat alone. I walked around during break, with no one. I ate alone until someone took pity on me. PITY. I don't like pity. And u guys who know me know that exactly. I don't want to be someone you pity. Maybe you think that I'm alright, because you see me with people. People who are my friends, you believe.
Yes, they are my friends. They are, not for pity. Because they like me for who I am. The me you don't remember. I've always been judged by looks, but with these people I feel sane and worthy. Like how you guys used to make me feel.
But they'll never be the same as you guys.
We don't talk anymore. And honestly I'd like too. I'll admit it, I'm afraid of what you think if me. Last time one of you saw me in the bathroom, you looked at me and left. And you don't know how goddammed badly u made me feel. How worthless I felt. Not to mention at that time I was utterly alone. U out of all people told me not to change. To not let people judge me. You of all people, judged me.
On the first day of school, almost all of you looked at me with disgust. Only very little smiled. Genuinely. That I believe is sad. Utterly sad.
I want to see that smile again. The one that's showed me you cared. That you cared that I was alive. Honestly, I was close to dying. For reals, no jokes. At that time, I was so close to death I could almost taste it. Literally.
Now I'm here. On my phone. Healthy again. Problems getting solved. Finally getting friends. Yet yearning for the old ones. Yet, how do I even know you're my friend. You probably don't even say hi. You won't even start a conversation with me. Are u my friend? Please tell me. Tell me ASAP. I need to know. Really, I do. Were you there for me? Even though I couldn't tell?
Simple questions that I ask, with so much depth to them. And I finally made up my mind. No more changing. I won't become an animator. I won't write and create and animate Baloma. It's in the past with the rest of you. Maybe one day, she'll come back...maybe. Maybe one day, u guys will too. Maybe. Instead, I'm going to become a writer. Stop other girls from doing what I did. I'm not strong enough to admit it. But one day I will. And you'll know it's me. Because you'll be in there. Whether you judged me, or you kept sane and happy. Like I know my best friend did.
I wonder what to do. Keep the picture or put it somewhere else. Store it maybe. But I'll keep faith. I'll keep it up there. Saying hello to The good ol' days and goodbye to all those memories one by one.
So dear everybody, I hear some of you are making bad choices, like I did last year. And I know why. I made mines because no one knew what was really with me at the time. No one really understood. And maybe that's how you feel too. We're like this because we're not together anymore. We all went our separate ways.
We can bearly look at each other without fighting back a tear or a scowl.
Because we're not friends anymore. Or are we?
We aren't together anymore. We're all dying on the inside. At least I know I am. New friend, old friends, what's the difference?
The difference is, I can't let go. I can't let go of all we've been through. How you've cared for me. How we watched each other grow. First lie. First secret. First crush. First boyfriend. We may never be there again.
I remember a little girl saying "when you go on your first date, make them buy you a panini" and two other gurls, her best friend promising. Promising they'd be together forever. Do you remember?
Since we're like this, probably not.
Maybe you forgot I existed. That I live. That I breath the same air you breath. That we see the same sunset same sunrise. Don't be Donald trump. Be you. Be my friends again. Do what's fucking right!
Don't be me. Don't make bad choices that would haunt you for life. Befriend the right people. Not people who make you sad, feel worthless. Yell at you. Don't be an idiot. Be you.
Be the you you used to be.
When we were young, carefree.
Be that person.

Please.
Be the you I know. The one I loved. The one that we were all friends with
And I'll try to be the same. This is one promise I won't break.

We were friends, now we don't talk.
Like Robert Frost Says, " NOTHING GOLD CAN STAY"

Originally written sometime in 2017