The cynical dreamer

A letter

It's just something I feel.

                                                                                     11/26/16

( I don't know if you will look at this and sigh at all the writing, if you're going to put it down because of that, at least read the ending)

        this is around two to three years late, and that's okay, but I need to clear my head and I think you deserve to know how I feel and felt.  I think you also deserve to know that someone cared about you and that someone is still and was thankful for all you did, even if it didn't seem so. I still am able to look back and feel happy because even though I hated Weston, you undeniably made it a little better. I have to say that you taught me a lot, you taught me how to let loose a little, you taught me to seize the moment, seize the day, and you taught me to put myself out there and see what comes, and I hate to say that you made me feel special, but you did, and unfortunately I like to think I taught you as well, but who knows. I'm much more open and adventurous, it may sound stupid, and I guess that's why I may be embarrassing myself at the moment. I'm not expecting anything from this, you may even burn it or not even read it, I don't know. I'm not expecting a whimsical romantic response (like those stupid airport scenes), I'm not expecting an "you're welcome", I'm not expecting any response or any reaching out, I didn't do this for any of that, I did this for me (possibly selfishly) because I hate that you can still sneak in my mind and the fact I love that. I guess I felt that you were the first person to really notice me as myself, you took the time, or I thought you did, I guess I fantasized and looked way too hard into this than I should have.  It may be idiotic to think, but in my head, I thought we had become semi close, I considered you one of my better friends because when I look back at any of my "friends" memories, none of them are as exciting and enchanting as those, I know it was short lived but it's quality over quantity, super cheesy, but that's okay, feelings are cheesy. I don't know if it was obvious, but I did have feelings, and I don't know if you were playing games because you were bored, or generally like that with every person you met, so I always put it on the backburner, which is why it hit me like a freight train a year later, like I was missing something. You stood up for me when a stupid kid told me I wasn't smart enough to take a certain class (that by the way I got a B+ in, so fuck him), you told me your fears, aspirations, dreams, and scary stories, plus you listened to mine. It always stuck with me when you said, " One day I'll show you all the good I've done and how successful I will be," and it may not have meant a thing to you, but it meant a little sliver of the world to me, that night all your future talk included me, and I felt safe, safe because I knew or dreamt that if I would have anyone around or anyone who had my back it would be you,  and it also just comforted me with the thought that I wouldn't be so alone, that I would at least always have someone around, and I guess I never let go of that, I just now don't put a certain person to the feeling, I like to think of it as an ongoing surprise. I guess you can say I've had a little difficulty letting go of all this because I don't know if you knew or not, and because I've kept it in for so long, that this just helps. I still don't know if I will give you this, I'm trying to find the courage, its hard for anyone to let their emotions out and not know a damn thing if the other person will react positively, negatively, or not at all. If you ever get this, I'm probably in Washington again (I surprised my mom for Thanksgiving) I will be back in December, and I don't really know why I am saying that but oh well I feel the need. I want to thank you for giving me the chance to feel and believe in things i never thought or knew existed and not everyone gets to feel what I did and you gave me that gift. Some people go through their lives not feeling anything close to alive, but I did and well I already said it, thank you for showing me the way. Apart from everything, it brings me a melancholy joy, especially when you would look up large words just to use them incorrectly in sentences with me, I don't look at the times I think I romanticized and feel sad and angry, I feel fulfilled and eternally grateful. I don't know if you thought I hated you, or if you hated me, but to clear the air, I never did, it was quite the opposite, I just didn't know how in the hell to manage or to compose or even to make sense of my feelings, I guess now I understand a little better and thought you should know. But a part of me just wanted you to know that you did make a difference, you did change a person's life,and that you did impact decisions (like leaving to find myself and to have fun trying) and you should feel special knowing all those things and knowing that you impacted at least one person's life, which has always been a dream of mine, because if you helped or changed one life, you're doing pretty well, I don't know if you knew but I think you should. You were truly a great guy with a big heart and always managed a smile on my face, which back then I felt no one really cared much to do, but again you did it and I allowed myself to feel special, and I think you should because I always thought you never got enough credit for all you did, I always viewed you as misunderstood and I may be off, but I just wanted to show you my appreciation for all you caused, even if you hadn't realized. Time has changed all, so I don't know if you will read this and remember your old self and smile, but I do. I go around in my new environment with your words in my head, to just put myself out there, and it works, something of yours stuck with me and I think it's time to give it back or to just let go of it. Who knows, maybe after all this we can be friends, or perfect strangers, I don't know. Like I said, I don't know if you will read this, so I don't know if anything will ever change, or if you will ever know how grateful I am and was, I don't know if this will affect you in any way, if it will put a pep in your step, if it will make you walk around with your head a little taller, if you will show what you showed me to the world, I have no clue, but now I think I will be good, I think I will be just fine, with whatever happens because I at least put it out there and will not be taking it back, I really don't care if its awkward or weird, it's there and now I will know and have no regret and no more "What if's", because you know, and you have the ball, you can do with it what you please, and your decision will not bother me because I'm secure in what I believe, I will not be hurt, I am bringing my self to peace, I will be and already halfway there at peace and that's what I wanted, to put my mind at rest, to continue writing (sorry for the length by the way, I could write novels), to show my gratitude and appreciation, to provide a peace offering, to repay you for all the moments you made me feel that way, and to continue exploring. I wanted to add that I'm actually doing great, i never believed in true utter happiness, into looking forward to my whole day, but I am, it only really hits me when I come home. I hope all is well and if it's not well then I hope it becomes well and that everything happens for a reason. So here I am returning it and if you don't want it, then to let it go.  Also, I don't think you would remember, but thank you for watching that 80's movie, that is probably one of my favorite things to look back on, I felt like I was showing you a part of the world you had never seen and I got to be a part of one of your "firsts" , which was nice, and I know you weren't wondering, but the movie was called License to Drive. I hope you get from this as much as I got, even though I probably made it into a much bigger thing then it was, which a year and a half ago, you would have totally understood and expected, good luck to you and all you want and seek, never give up.

P.S Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy birthday.

P.S.S This wasn't a love letter, it was merely a letter of appreciation, I'm not trying to come into your life and turn it upside down... like you did ( in a good way, I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for everything in my past that happened). Everything happens for a reason, right?

                                                                                     sincerely and with gratitude,

                                                                                    L