I was a sucker for her eyes. She was my kid, my flesh and blood, but she amazed me more and more everyday. She never did anything spectacular, but I was floored with her development - even if it was something small. Her eyes were almost as dark as night, but so bright and curious. She wasn't much of a talker, but an observer. Her eyes held a warmth that I only wished my own still held; I hoped she had gotten that from me. Her black pupils nearly melted into pools of the darkest brown I'd ever seen, but I would even debate that they were black. Of course I knew exactly how she was given those wonderful eyes, but that's besides the point.
They were perfect. She was perfect.
Our staredown brought a giggle to her already-rosy cheeks. She was a wimp when it came to laughing; she laughed at the smallest things. She laughed when it rained, during bath time, at night when I was rocking her to sleep. It was as if she didn't know how to shed a single tear. Even the moment she was born, she barely batted an eyelash. One or two sobs and that was it - I cried more than she did.
"Eat?" I brought my fingers to the corner of my mouth and tapped twice. Her eyes flickered with familiarity. "Please." I traced a circle on my chest with my palm. "Eat, please." I repeated the motions.
She and I had been working on sign language.
Her interpretation caused me to laugh; her attempt ended up as her palm smashing against her lips. Close enough. I handed her half of an apple slice. "Very good, Ariah!"
All I got was a half smile, cheek bulging with her snack. She smacked her sticky hands together in triumph. Ariah reached for another slice but I scooted her napkin away.
"More." I collected my fingertips together and tapped them against each other twice. "More."
She stared at my hands, dragged her eyes to mine, and frowned. I watched as she touched her index fingers together.
"That's my girl. You're so smart." This child never let her hair prosper. I spent about ten minutes wrestling her bouncy curls into a cute little pigtail and she pulled at the bow so much that it looked lopsided. While she was distracted with her snack, I snuck around and fixed it for her. "We can go on the swings when you're done with your snack."
The weather was absolutely breathtaking today. The sun was out to play and our bronzed skin glistened with a thin layer of sweat. The park was speckled with families of all sizes with a nice symphony of the ducks quacking at the lake and the joyous laughter of children. Ariah and I frequented this park often simply because we got bored in our apartment. Besides, who would say no to some fresh air and a beautiful scene like this?
Her thighs were thick thanks to her diet of my breast milk and baby food during her months of infancy. Now that she's older and eating solid food, she's only getting thicker. I figured she'd slim down once she was on her feet and more active but her thighs were persistent. She reminded me of a Michelin man.
"Riah!" She took off without me, giggling at her own mischief. "You little stink!" I came up behind her and scooped her up into my arms, completely melting at the sound of her giggles. Her face reddened and she stared back at me with the biggest, fake-innocent eyes I've ever seen. "Don't give me that look, you know that's how you win me over." I couldn't stay mad at her simply because she'd never really done anything to be mad about. "Give Mama a hug."
That, she was glad to do. She tucked her face into my neck and wiggled her arms around me as best she could, and the earth stilled. It was only me and my daughter. Every sound muted, except for her steady breathing and I was calm. So content.
I set her in a swing and gave her a push. "Say cheese, baby." I snapped a couple pictures and slid my phone in my pocket. "Mama loves you."
"Da...da...dada."
I groaned. "No, baby. Say mama. Ma...ma. Say mama!"
It was like that scene from Tarzan when he first meets Kala when he was a baby. She cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow - I wasn't even sure how or where a toddler learned that from but she had it mastered - and shook her head. "Dada! Da...da."
Of course her first word was Mama, but still. Hearing her call out for her father twisted my gut; her dad wasn't in the picture and hadn't been from the very beginning. Well, let me clarify; he was in the picture, just not as her father. I guess it was my fault since technically he didn't know she existed, and part of me felt like she knew that. My daughter was smart, no doubt about that.
But surely she didn't realize a certain aspect of our family was missing, did she? Not so soon, right?
My phone rang. I took one glance and fought the urge to ignore his call. "Speaking of the devil..." I faked a big smile and cleared my throat. "Hi Donny."
"Baby Rue, what's up? You busy?"
I gave Ariah another push. "No, Ari and I are just at the park."
"What're your plans for tonight?" I heard him crunching on something, and knowing him it was probably spicy nacho Doritos - our favorite snack.
"Um, I don't have any. I'm probably gonna have a quiet night with Ari, watch a movie and make cookies or something. What's up with all the questions?" I knew he was beating around the bush, and I knew the real reason he was calling me but this was more fun.
"Swing by tonight, let's spar. We gotta get you ready for the fight in a couple weeks." I could practically feel his excitement through the phone, and I'll admit it was always adorable when he was excited about anything. An innocence came over him like he was a child.
I glanced over at Ariah, who was busy staring up at the sun and squinting, getting mad that the sun was too bright. I nearly snorted with laughter as I plucked off my sunglasses and handed them to her. "I might be able to get there around eight. Is that cool?"
"Make it seven fifty-nine and you got yourself a deal."
"Nigga bye!" I shoved my phone in my pocket and groaned dramatically. "Baby, Mama is in way over her head." Sparring with Adonis wasn't my issue; in fact, I was even excited to be back to doing what I loved. It was the fact that I had no one to watch Ariah that bothered me. She's usually asleep by seven thirty but still, the less time they spent around each other, the better. I was doing good so far, but I couldn't help but think it was only a matter of time before my sense of reality was ripped from underneath my feet.
Maybe I was overreacting?
I loved Adonis and appreciated the friendship that we had, but I also knew that exposing the truth about Ariah would tarnish what we worked so hard to solidify. He was my best friend, and he was enamored with Ariah - hell, he proclaimed himself as her godfather the moment he met her after she was born. I wasn't afraid that he would neglect her; I was selfish in the fact that I knew he would hate me for multiple reasons.
"Listen to Mama." I hoisted her from the swing and squeezed her sides. "You have to go night-night before your usual time tonight, okay? Don't let me down, baby." What I was saying was complete gibberish but it made me feel a little better. She only grinned in return, a small giggle blushing her cheeks. "Wishful thinking."
The fuck did I get myself into?
