I wanted to panic, but no part of me found the need to. Even as I heard him say I had to get to the hospital, I remained calm. Whatever happened while I was away, wouldn't have been made any better whether I panicked or not. I had to keep a level head.
"I'm looking for Adonis Johnson."
The man behind the desk took only a moment before he pointed down the hall with a bright smile. "Second door on the left."
"Thank you." I started my trek past the waiting room, grateful that I didn't have to wait too long. I knocked twice and let myself in. "Adonis? Ariah! Mama missed you." I sniffled as I pulled her into my arms; she looked tired and scared, and she had a slight tremble. I brought my eyes to his, but he wouldn't meet my gaze. "Adonis, what happened? On the phone, you sounded..."
"I handled it."
I squinted at the grip of a knife protruding out of his left shoulder. "That's handling it? There's a knife in your -"
"They're taking it out, which is why I'm here. And will you stop yellin'? Damn." His jaw flexed, hand balled into a tight fist.
"You wanna tell me what's going on or are we gonna dance around the subject? What's the matter with you?" I wanted to slap him. Of course I was happy to see that both of them were alive, but he never acted like this. Not towards me. So cold and...angry.
"I don't want to discuss it." He smoothed a palm down his tired face. He looked more than tired. He looked angry, hurt, confused, and exhausted. "Look, they're gonna get this shit out of me any minute now. They just wanted to wait until you came for her. You two can go now."
My skin felt hot as if he burned me. "I'm not leaving you alone, Adonis."
He whipped his head to glare at me. "I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself."
"That's taking care of yourself?!" I was furious, and I didn't care if the entire hospital knew. "Get your head out of your ass for two seconds and be grateful that I'm willing to stay for you, Adonis!"
"Hey!" I hopped off the bed and curled his fingers around my elbow. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek as his eyes bore into mine. "Save the attitude. Take her home and lock your doors."
I held my breath. Never in his life had Adonis put his hands on me. "Get your hands off me."
"Take. Ariah. Home. Right fucking now."
I snatched away from him and swatted his hand away, purposely making him wince in agony. I could only match his glare, too stunned to do or say anything. This was completely out of character for Adonis to act this way towards me. I wanted to kick him in his throat, cry, and vomit all at once.
My voice fell to a whisper, "Adonis, you're scaring me..."
"Karrueche! Damn it just listen to me for once and take my daughter home!"
We both froze and the air grew thin between us. He squeezed his eyes shut, his entire body locking up with anger and tension; he began to pant like a bull, and I couldn't tell if the pain was really starting to set in or if he was regretting his words.
I backed away before the contents of my stomach could slip up my throat, and struggled to pull the door open. I rushed out of his room and clutched Ariah closer to me, and I did not look back. Not even as a few nurses entered his room. I didn't look back even when every fiber of my body told me to stay and be there for him. I didn't look back when I coulda sworn he called out for me.
I didn't look back, and I didn't want to.
•••••
Even without Adonis to back me up, I swallowed all my frustration and went to my fight alone. I claimed yet another victory. I suffered my usual injuries: concussion, dislocated shoulder, and cuts and bruises along my body. But something about not having him with me to encourage me, made the pain that much worse. I felt it deep in my bones, deep to my core.
