Paint it Black

Chapter 10: I See a Red Door

Of course it was raining.

She'd been trying for weeks to talk to Shawn; her first word drawing his sightless eyes and pushing her guilt to a point of subject changing. Again. It was the way his gaze didn't quite catch her face but fell towards an area just beyond her shoulder. He'd been getting better at it, but she was grateful he couldn't see the pity she felt at his attempts. And she hated the emotion. With her chosen career, she couldn't allow herself to feel pity. And it was that reminder that worked her through the hurt she was about to cause. She had no choice. It had to be now.

“Shawn... I...” His hand felt across the open air. He'd become more sensitive to her moods lately. He could hear the stress in her voice and, being the type of guy he was, wanted to take it away if he could. Just once more, she let him. Her fingers met his across the span and his thumb rubbed across her knuckles. She looked down so she wouldn't have to see the way his face calmed as well. He needed this as much as she did. She swallowed and ripped the bandage.

“I'm going away, Shawn.”

She finally looked up at him; his appearance nearly breaking her. His attentive expression had twisted down and the knotted scar, still clearly visible among the soft regrowth of hair, was a shiny pinkish red against skin that had gone pale. Cheeks she'd finally talked him into shaving the previous day were still mostly smooth and gave him a child-like appearance that almost smothered her with the need to pull him against her chest.

He swallowed and Abby could see how hard he worked to smile at her. Only one side managed to twist up, made a lie at the moisture across his blank eyes. “How... how long will you be gone?” His thumb rubbed harder along her fingers and though it was venturing into uncomfortable, she didn't pull away.

“Shawn...”

“What, like a week? Couple weeks?” She squeezed her hands around his when the pressure began to sting – knowing this couldn't have been remotely easy but not realizing it would be this damn hard. He wasn't letting her just tell him, but then, that was probably the point.

“It... it's going to be a while...”

“But you'll be back, right? I mean, it's not,” he chuckled, uncomfortable and sharp, “it's not like you're leaving forever!”

At her silence he stilled, fingers freezing over hers. “Oh my God, it is forever...”

From desperate denial to worst case scenario. There was never a middle ground for him. “No, Shawn, not forever.” Though it could very well be, for him. “I was given an opportunity to do something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I'm going to Uganda; to volunteer with the Peace Corps. I'll be gone for at least six months. I won't be able to call you or come back until I see it through.” And if she found this was her calling... But there was no need to mention that.

Something that was trying to be a smile worked over his lips before dying in defeat. “That's... that's a long time.” He finally leaked out. Abby nodded – too easy to forget he couldn't actually see her.

“Yeah.”

His fingers started rubbing hers again, though more softly. “W-when do you...”

“Two weeks.”

“Wow that's...” He swallowed and pulled his hand back to rub at his eyes.

She didn't know what to say after that. Didn't want to say the ultimate cost of what this meant. They both knew but they were both good at denying the truth. And she couldn't bear to hurt him any more that day even though the thought of dragging this out would be worse. But then he took the choice from her.