REAPING INNOCENCE ◦ STILINSKI [3]

LETTERS TO CARTER

DEREK'S LETTER TO:
❝A LOST SISTER❞

❝Sister,

I haven't written you a letter since you died, but it's about time I did. I mean, I have so much to tell you, so much to say.

There hasn't been a day I haven't thought about your face, that beautiful face, that face I've familiarized myself with for so many years. Sometimes I awaken in a cold sweat and I can't reach you. You're flying through the air with your dark brown hair floating behind you like a jet stream. I call out your name, but you don't answer me. Why don't you answer me?

I got the call at 3:24 AM on March 24, 2014. That call changed my life, my entire existence. No warning. No warm blankets. No poetry or prayers or memo, just—"Carter's car went off Dead Man's Bridge. She's gone, Derek." I fell to the ground. I stopped breathing. I shattered into a million sharp pieces. "She's in the hospital morgue. You'll be able to see her, if you want."

Shut up. Shut up. Shut the hell up. I'm not ready for this shit.

I don't remember driving to the hospital, but I remember seeing Lydia and Kira sitting in the pale waiting room whispering and holding one another in their arms. Carter, that is the first time I saw Lydia cry.

Your death murdered all of us in different ways, didn't it?

I stared at you sprawled out on the still, silver table. The room smelled of the mucky quarry water and strong antiseptic. Your face was clear of any makeup, the time you spent under water practically washed away everything about you. You were already gone, already rising. How can that be? I talked to you hours before and now you had no voice, no smile, no life.

I need to tell you I didn't take your death the way a normal person might. I sort of went insane. I sort of drowned inside my own body and blood and tears. When the doctor said you were braindead and there was absolutely no way to resuscitate you, I screamed and kicked air and cried out somewhere deep inside my insidious core, "No. No. No. Son of a bitch. Motherfucking bastard. Nooo!"

Did you hear me, Carter? Did you hear my cries in the shadows? I thought I was unbreakable.

I'm not.

I was told that I practically beat Scott to a bloody-pulp, but I don't recall. I was told I read E.E. Cummings at your funeral, but I don't recall. I was told I stood at the podium repeating, "My sister. My sister. Oh, God, my sister," but I don't recall.

Sometimes it's better to forget. E v e r t h i n g.

I looked around at the blurred, nondescript, pathetic faces thinking, "What the hell are you all doing here?"

I wanted to ask you this: did you know you were going to die that night? I called your cell phone a hundred times, but you wouldn't answer. Scott and Stiles both said that you visited them that night; and the way they described it, it seemed like you were saying goodbye.

Afterwards, I asked Scott, "Did I just bury my youngest sister?"

He hesitated, then answered, "Yes."

"Then how I am still walking, breathing, living? How is the world still revolving? Please bring me a bottle of whiskey immediately."

No, I didn't take it well, my darling sister. At. All. And the thing is, I always knew you'd live a short life. I always knew you'd put yourself inside a cage, inside your personal abyss. In the back of my mind, someplace in the darkest corners, I knew you'd just be gone one day. But what could I do? How could I protect you? Oh, dear God, how could I protect you?

Every night before I close my eyes, I pray that I will dream of you, that I can be with you.

Can you believe that its been almost three months since you've been gone? A lot of people's lives came to a halt that day. You're gone forever. Just like Mom. Just like the rest of our family. No more more laughs, no more arguments, no more anything. I see you occasionally, and I want you to know that I notice. I notice the blood red cardinals that seem to always be around, especially when I need you most. Little pieces of you show up everywhere I go, and I can't be more grateful for that.

Although you are now gone from my arms reach, from my physical abilities to touch your sweetness, your warmth, your tender and loving face; I still can picture your beauty in my mind. Nothing can ever touch or remove my everlasting memories of my courageous, sensitive, and most worthy sister.

Oh, how I love you Carter. When we were little, growing up as we did, all we really had was each other. I never thanked you for sticking up for me when no one else did, even though you were the youngest and I was the one who was supposed to take care of you. Not the other way around.

My fear is you died never knowing how much you were loved. I tried so hard to share my heart with you. If only you could have felt my love, maybe then you could have given yourself permission to feel love for yourself. You have always been and always shall be my protector. I just wish I could have protected you.

I miss you Carter. I miss your laughter the most. I could pick your unique laugh out as soon as I walked through any door. You were always the first one to start a giggle only to have the bellows build until the entire room was laughing with you. Your sense of humor was unique and unchallenged. You were funny at times, without meaning to be...but you would be the first one to laugh at yourself! You taught me to see the humor in my shortcomings. That alone keeps me in stitches all day.

I look back on our childhood and all of the foolish things we would do together. Before the fire, you were what my world revolved around, Carter. Every decision I made was always made with you in my mind. Even as we grew up and our lives began to part into two different worlds, there was still an understanding between the two of us. One of the last times I had seen you before you died was in your burnt apartment bedroom. You shared some of your darkest thoughts with me, and I with you. We weren't necessarily close at that time, but we didn't need to be. You had always turned to me for things, and I wish I had given you more in those times.

You know how it is when you lose someone, the stage of regret and that feeling that you could have done something more never really does away. Regarding how you died, there wasn't much more that any of us could have done, but the thought is always there. What if I could have gone back all those years ago and stopped myself from meeting Kate? What if we didn't have that falling out when you were thirteen? What if, what if, what if.

I miss you every single day, and I wish you were still here. But you will always be my baby sister. I love you with all of my heart and I will see you again someday.

Carter, I love you with every part of my being. I love you with my entire spirit. You are my sister, and always have been...always shall be. I have known you from the day you were born. Nothing you could do could tear us apart. Not even death. Throughout your struggles in life, I have always been there. Maybe I didn't always understand, but Carter, my love didn't need to understand. It only needed you. That's all I ever needed Carter, just you.

It has been my honor to call you sister. I have been blessed to have you in my life, even if only for a blink of an eye.

Your Big Brother,
—Derek❞