Beyond Repair (short story)

Chapter 2

~ It felt like I was running forever. The hallway leading to my room seemed to never end. Tears slid down my cheeks in a hurry, making their way into my mouth and onto my neck. I could hear my dad running behind me. I just wanted him to leave me alone; I wanted his tirades to be over. I was almost to my room, and that was when I tripped. 'I'm so stupid!' I screamed at myself in my head. Just then, I felt my dad grasp my arms and pull me off the floor. He pinned me against the wall and his hand came at my face. It stung. Right after that he started squeezing my arms so tight as if he was hanging on for deal life to the edge of a cliff. I cried out in pain, and that was when his fist came at my nose... ~

A scream escaped my lips as I shot up in my bed. I was hyperventilating. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I grasped to the edge of my bed, trying to calm myself down. I had never had a dream involving my father; it had always just been things that reminded me of him. But this time it was a full on flash back, it was the first time he broke my nose. I could feel my heart beating rapidly along with my breath. I was having another panic attack, and felt like I was going to throw up. Sweat was trickling down my forehead as the images raced through my mind.

Just then my brother Sean barged into my room and ran to my bed. He quickly grasped my shoulders and pulled me off of the bed, pulling me into a tight hug. "Shh, it's okay, I'm here. Calm down. It's over." He cooed, trying to sooth my panic attack. It seemed like he was holding me forever, but soon enough the panic attack ended. I slowly wrapped my arms around his waist and cried into his chest. My breathing had slowed down a little, and my heart beat was now normal. We stood there for what seemed like ever; me crying into his chest and him rubbing my back trying to calm me down. I felt so horrible, I didn't want him to see my like this. I was supposed to be able to hide my emotions better than this.

Sean released the embrace and gently put his hands on my shoulder. "Are you okay now?" He asked softly, concern showing in his eyes. I nodded, and then wiped the tears off of my face.

"Would you like to talk about it?" He asked me, but I shook my head no. Sean didn't know too much about what out father used to do to me, and he really had no idea about the drugs. I didn't want him to be hurt, and I certainly didn't want him to ask me a thousand questions, because I knew he would. Soon though, I would let him know everything, because really, he has the right to know. But for now, I wanted to stay clear of his concern. There were other people who needed it more than me.

Sean looked at me for a few seconds, and then nodded his head. After another hug, he exited the room, shutting the door behind him. Closing my eyes for a second, I couldn't stop thinking about the dream. I needed to get rid of it, I needed to forget, and there was only one way to do it.

Quickly, I ran to my dresser and pulled one of the drawers open. Grabbing a small jewelry box out of the drawer I opened it up, then moved around some of the jewelry. Lifting up the small piece of paper on the bottom, I grabbed what I was looking for. My fingers wrapped around the small metal blade lying at the bottom, and pulled it out. After closing the box and setting it back into the drawer, I walked over to my door and locked it. Turning around, I hit my back against the door, and then slid all the way down to the floor. Slowly and carefully, I pulled up the sleeve on my left arm, revealing many other cuts and scars in no order what so ever. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, taking in a few deep breaths, and then opened them back up. I had to get it over with. Pressing the blade to my arm, I slowly dragged it along my skin, making a perfect three inch long cut. Before I knew it, there were four more exactly the same right next to it.

The cuts were mesmerizing, so beautiful. I couldn't stop looking at them as the blood escaped and entered onto my skin, sliding down my arm. The sight was just amazing and it seemed to calm me down a lot. I had lost track of the time and when I looked back up at my clock, I realized that I had been sitting there for twenty minutes. Sighing, I pushed myself off of the floor and brought myself to a standing position. My arm stung, but I wasn't worried about that. I had high pain tolerance, so it helped me deal with my cutting.

Walking into the bathroom, I turned the faucet on and let the water run until it got cold. For a few seconds I washed the blade, and then I set it down on the counter. Reaching my arm under the water, I soaked the cuts until the blood was off of my skin and the cuts were no longer bleeding. I've never been one to really clean my injuries, band aids and gauze were not for me, just the simple water will do me fine.

Turning off the water, I grabbed some toilet paper and gently dried my arm, then flushed the paper down the toilet to hide the evidence. I then carefully slid my sleeve back over my arm and grabbed my blade. As I walked back into my room, which was attached to the bathroom, I looked at my door to make sure it was still closed. Sometimes my brother is able to unlock it with a coin if he thinks that I'm doing something I'm not supposed to. Giving a small sigh of relief when I see it's still closed, I walked over to my dresser and put my blade back into its hiding spot.

I jumped when my texting ringtone went off. My breathing went uneven for a second, but when I realized it was only my phone, I calmed down and picked it up. The text message was from Toby. It said 'Do you wanna chill?' A small smile escaped my lips as I hit reply, and typed the message, 'yes'. Tobith Winston Angel, the cutest name ever, has been my best friend for about five years now. He has no idea about my dad or about my cutting, but he knows about the drugs and the alcohol because he does it too. I've always really had a crush on him, but I've never told him because I'm afraid that if I do that I might ruin the great friendship we have.

Setting my phone down, I walked over to my closet and opened the two sliding doors. Searching through the clothes, I pulled out a pair of blue skinny jeans, a studded belt, a black tank top, and a green sweater. After taking off my pajamas, I threw them into the hamper and slipped on my clothes, zipping the sweater half way up. I then inserted the studded belt in the loops of my jeans. 'Time to do my make up and hair' I thought as I walked into the bathroom. When I stopped in front of the mirror, I studied my reflection.

My hair is naturally straight, the longest layer about an inch below my chest, and the shortest layer which is the crown area is just below my ears. I have side sweep bangs that sometimes cover half of my face. The longest layer of my hair is blue, my favorite color, and the crown area is black along with the bangs. My skin was kind of a pale white, but I wasn't really pale. There was a scar running from my left eye, across my nose, and an inch and a half down my right cheek from when a cat scratched me when I was five years old. I'm a size one or two, depending on where I shop, and I've never been any smaller or bigger. In my ears I have double piercings, and one piercing in each ear is gauged to a size eight. My cartilage piercing is gauged to a size fourteen, and I have an industrial bar piercing in my right ear. I want to get either my nose or lips pierced, but my brother's still thinking about it.

Grabbing my brush, I fix my hair until the knots are all out, and then set the brush down. Then, I picked up my cover up, applied it to my face, and switched to eyeliner. After applying it to the bottom of my eyes, I searched through my eye shadows. I always match my make up with my clothes. Grabbing the green eye shadow, I applied it to the tops of my eyes, and then put on mascara after that. A small smile escaped my lips when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Perfect.

Walking out of the bathroom, I made my way to my bed and grabbed my cell phone. Toby had texted me saying that he was here, so I slipped the phone into my pocket and walked out of my room. When I made my way into the kitchen, I looked over at Sean and Riley, who both looked up at me, concern still in their eyes. Sighing, I moved my hair out of my face and spoke up, "I'm going to hang out with Toby, is that okay?" I asked. After getting a nod of approval, I walked out of the kitchen, and out the front door. When I stepped outside, Toby's 2003 red Alero was waiting for me. I was still smiling when I got into my car and buckled my seatbelt. "Hello," I said to him, and he said it back. His long black hair that dangled right above his shoulder was nice and straight. He had on his tight black jeans and a white t-shirt that outlined his thin, but somewhat muscular body.

As he backed out of my driveway and headed down the street, he stayed quiet. It was odd because usually he's really chatty. Sighing, I turned to look at him and opened my mouth to speak. "So, what's up?" I asked, hoping to get a cheerful answer from him.

I watched as Toby's eyes flickered from me to the road. He also bit his lip, and that always meant that he was nervous. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak. "Lee, will you be my girlfriend?"