No Love Allowed

Eighteen

Suzy stared at the canvas. Her mind was as blank as the white canvas stared back at her. Mocking her. It had been a couple days since the Fourth of July party, and already she rejected two of the paintings she had finished. One was of Sehun resting on a picnic blanket under the shade of a tree. The other was of him leaning against his car. None of them would do. They were dull. Flat. Lifeless. Not her usual quality of work. Certainly nothing she was willing to give him for his birthday.

She crossed her arms and frowned. The lack of vision crushed her. This should have been easy. A piece of delicious cake. After that wonderful first kiss by the lakeshore surrounded by fireworks? She should be sparkling with talents. A well-spring of all things beautiful. Her muse should be singing with glee. But no. She felt as empty as her mother's car gas tank a week before bills were due.

She wanted the present to be special. Something that would show him her gratitude for the wonderful experience he had given her. Getting to dress up and dipping her toe into his world was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime, bucket-list item for a girl with little to no hopes for the future.

The thought made her feel sad. Good luck trying to spark any type of inspiration now. But it was the truth. Everyone in Sehun's world took their future for granted because it was always there waiting for them. The cousins were getting off to Europe in August. Colleges had practically begged Baekhyun to swim for them, according to Chanyeol. And Kai? She had the world in the palm of her hand. Suzy? Well, she had until Sehun's party to finish this painting. That was as far as she was willing to let herself think.

Her head wandered away from what she needed to be doing, so she paced. Three steps to the left, turning around, then six steps to the right, then back again. Each time she passed the canvas she would glance at it, imagining the image that would look best on its surface.

Nothing.

A whole a lot of nothing.

Her feet hurt by the time she stopped pacing.

"Just go on with it," she looked up at the ceiling, her hands on her hips.

Picking up her wooden palette and sticking her thumb through the hole, she plucked a fine-tipped brush from the assortment sipped in paint and studied the canvas again. Then she coated the brush with yellow paint and brought the tip closer to the blank canvas. But before she make any contact, her hand shook. Badly. Like nine-points on the scale.

A burst of frustration had her dropping the palette and brush and pulling at her hair, transferring some of the paint on her fingers to the messy strands. A scowl climbed up her throat. Of all days to lose her motivation. She covered her face with both hands and sat down. She wanted to cry, but her eyes remained dry. All the emotion inside her seemed bottled up, but she wasn't strong enough to unscrew the top.

She had no idea how long she stayed in that position with her face covered until the alarm she had set in her room went off. The annoying noise of the digital clock reminded her one thing: time to take her medicines. When she painted, hours could pass without her stopping. Setting the alarm made sure she doesn't forget.

With a sigh, she got up and walked out of her happy place into her room. She punched the button on her clock and the noise stopped. It seemed louder since she had the house to herself. Although Suzy's mother should have been on her way home from her shift at the store by now.

Once silence returned, she walked into the kitchen toward the counter where she had left the pill organizer that morning. She popped the PM section for that day and took out the pills. She stared at them in her palm.

If she didn't take her pills, she was a 100% sure she would finish the painting in time. If she didn't take the pills, just for a couple of days maximum, her creativity would return. If she didn't take them . . . she would fly until there was no sky left. She was sure of it. Closing her fingers around the pills that were the difference between life and death, she made the decision. No hard when Sehun's smile popped into her head. He deserved the best from her.