Do I wanna know? {Phan}

Dear Phil...

Dear Phil,

If you’re reading this letter, then I’m probably not around anymore. I don’t want to say dead, because that sounds depressing and I think things are already depressing enough. PJ will have most likely given you this letter, because I’m pretty sure he’ll be the one who finds me. He visits every day, trying to help me to stop feeling so... Empty. It’s sweet of him really, though I’m surprised he hasn’t given up yet. If this is you reading PJ, then thank you. But if you really care about me, then please stop reading now and give this letter to Phil? I think the contents of this letter are kind of personal to me and him. I can’t say I expect PJ to read something that isn’t addressed to him though, so let’s move on...

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I ruined everything, lost the person most important to me. I can guarantee that is what I’ll always regret more than anything else. I really miss you, you know. Sometimes I expect you to just walk into the living room and make a teasing comment about how I haven’t moved from my internet position all day. But you never do. It hurts, I’m not going to lie. But I guess I only have myself to blame.

It’s been two months, Phil. Two months since you walked out on me. Two months since I blurted out my feelings for you. I didn’t mean to, I swear. Please just come back. We can pretend that I never said anything, and everything will be okay. You just needed time to think. That’s what you told me. Why would you lie to me, Phil? You could have just told me you didn’t want to be around me anymore. This hurts more. I guess because a little part of me actually expected you to come back.

You never did.

I can’t take it anymore, Phil. This all hurts too much. I try to act like I’m okay, but I’m not. This is too much. I just can’t do it anymore.

So I’m going away. Then all of this will stop and you can be happy because I won’t be around to ruin things anymore. I’ll be happy too, because I won’t have to live knowing that I destroyed the most important friendship I’ve ever had.

I was listening to music the other day, remember when we used to do that together? I hope you do. I do. I always will. I found a song that reminded me of us, you know. I wonder if you’ve heard it. It’s by Arctic Monkeys. ‘Do I wanna know’, I think. Meh, what’s in a title? I want to share it with you though, as a way of saying goodbye.

Have you got colour in your cheeks? Do you ever get the fear that you can’t shift the tide that sticks around like summat in your teeth? Are there some aces up your sleeve? Have you no idea that you’re in deep?

I remember how you used to blush at the littlest things. Like when I’d compliment you, or when we hugged. Of course, I blushed too, but obviously for a different reason. Part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d feel the same. How stupid of me, huh? There’s something for you to laugh about. My silliness always made you laugh, didn’t it? Silly Dan, thinking that someone as perfect as you could love him the way he loves you. I’m not sure why I’m referring to myself in the third person, I’m sorry for weirding you out there. Although, I can’t say I’d be surprised if you’ve already stopped reading, and this letter is just sitting in a bin somewhere.     

I’ve dreamt about you nearly every night this week. How many secrets can you keep? ‘Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat, until I fall asleep. Spilling drinks on my settee.

You’re always there in my dreams, Phil. Can’t you leave me alone while I sleep? I don’t like the way you always tell me how you could never love someone like me. But it’s just a dream, right? You’d never really say things like that, would you?

Sometimes, I dream that none of this happened, and everything is still fine between us. I think those dreams are the worst. I wake up happy, but then it all comes crashing down on me again. It’s weird how the lyrics of this song talk about finding a tune that reminds someone of another person, because this song reminds me of you. And me. Of us. Well, there is no us. But. Our situation. I do play it on repeat though. I’m surprised I’m not bored of it yet. Then again, I never do get bored of things to do with you.