Chapter 2
I could not live in the same house with Rainie and Danson, I tried very hard to be happy for them, to hide my pain, but each day that Rainie's stomach grew bigger...I felt I was dying inside. Danson...seems so happy with Rainie. Was he ever happy when he was with me? When did he stopped loving me? When he held me and kissed me...was he thinking about Rainie? Did he make love to her on the same day he told me he loves me? Questions, useless questions running through my head every day. What made me so unattractive, so unlovable that my sister...of all people...my sister...?
Some days were better than others. My friends told me I was better off without Danson...of course that was what friends were for. Life goes on, everything was the same...even though I was dying inside...life...people go on living.
My stepmother did not want Rainie to move out. She was after all pregnant and being the protective grandmother that she is...she wanted to make sure Rainie was in the best of care. My father despite being very disappointed in Rainie and Danson, even though he loved me and was hurting for me...agreed with my stepmother that Rainie and Danson live in the same house with them. Again, I became the intruder. No one directly told me I was making them uncomfortable. Nobody asked me to move out...but I knew eventually I would have to leave.
My father wanted me to go live with my grandmother in Taipei. My stepmother, Rainie's biological mother also encouraged me to start my life over. Besides, the newborn will need my room soon.
The day my sister gave birth to her son, I visited her at the hospital. My nephew...so tiny and vulnerable. Danson was holding his son gently in his arms. Rainie was sleeping, she appeared exhausted after a long labor battle.
"Say hi Auntie Ariel. Hi...." Danson held his son's fingers and pretended to wave to me. He counted his son's fingers and his toes one by one. Beaming with pride in his eyes, Danson asked,
"Isn't he precious?"
I nodded. I felt an ache in my throat, almost as if I was going to cry. I felt the verge of tears threatening to spill over my cheeks.
He...could have been mine, my precious baby. I knew then and there, I had to escape. I was twenty five years old...with no direction in life. Each day living my life aimlessly....nine months ago...nine months ago I thought my life had finally begun, yet it was the day I stopped living.
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I moved in with my grandma on the day Rainie gave birth to her son. Grandma Lin is very independent. After grandpa Lin died a few years ago, she refused to move back in with my parents. She told my father she wanted her freedom and wanted to enjoy the last few years of her life before she died. I was surprised grandma Lin did not object to me moving in with her. Grandma lives in condo, most of the residents are senior citizen.
She showed me my room and said,
"I am busy every day doing things you youngster won't like. If you need me, call me on my cell phone."
"Thanks grandma." I said. She touched my hand briefly and said,
"You've been quite lonely haven't you Ariel dear. I can see you haven't been eating, you're thin as a stick. Tonight let's eat your favorite dish!"
I nodded. She smiled and closed the door. I've been hearing a lot that I lost weight, thin as a stick and looked like a ghost. I never cared about my looks and if I looked like a ghost, I prefer to stay away from mirrors. I unpacked my small bags of clothes, books and a few family pictures. The room was small, but tidy. Just perfect for me.
