You found me|Tyler and Ashley

Lost my mind

Lost and insecure, you found me you found me

Walking through the streets of Manhattan, my coat pulled up to my ears to shelter me from the cold. It was a freezing, we were forecasted snow but those are rarely correct.

Lying on the floor surround me surround me

Wind hitting my face like a force field, it actually stings like hell. My new beats head phones keeping my ears surprisingly warm in this bitter weather. But the music makes my heart feel isolated and cold. Nobody found me, how can I expect anyone to find me when I wouldn't even admit that I'm lost?

Your a little late, your always a little late

Pull yourself together, I tell myself as I feel a warm tear fall down my icy face. It's your own fault you pushed them all away. Made them think you wanted this, wanted to be alone in this big city which can drown you out in a footstep. You wanted to here the constant noise of traffic, swearing and gangs. You said you wanted that, I didn't say I wanted that.

I slowly approach my apartment, my eyes red and puffy, cool tears laying under my eyes. Then a hear the click and see the flashes. Paparazzi.
Shit
I try to avoid eye contact praying that they don't notice the tears in my eyes. I sniffle and mistakingly look up, my eyes locking with the bright beams radiating from the camera. Now you've fucked up. Big time.
"Ashley! Ashley! Ashley!"
"What?!" I scream at them
"Smile" they say with a sick grin
I walk away into my apartment, mad at myself for letting them win. However I'm not surprised, I'm a weak bitch who lets everyone walk all over her, even her friends.
Well... that's not entirely true. You see I have lots of friends, true, amazing friends... back in LA. I miss them dearly every single day, Shay, Troian, Luce, Sasha and Tyler. They were seriously my best friends. Well Tyler was... never mind we won't get into that right now too complicated.

I guess I wanted to move away to have a fresh start kind of? Even though I was quite fond of the foundations I already built in LA, my brain needed this more than my heart wanted it if you get me? Everything in my life has been so good, honestly I'm so grateful, PLL all of the opportunities which came with that I owe everything to that you know? But I just don't feel deserving. I haven't done anything special to give back to everyone, I've been too self indulged to see what other people were doing and to appreciate everything. Well I though that moving out here would give me a different perspective, see things in a different light. It's definitely done that for sure.
I don't know, I just don't feel like me anymore. I know a lot of people are starting to notice too, like my fans. My fans mean the world to me and I'm starting to feel like I've let them down, disappointed them, that was never my intention. I know loads of them were confused and annoyed at me for deleting nearly all of my PLL related pictures from my Instagram. But that wasn't down to me, I didn't want to. My management told me it would be for the best and I wouldn't be labelled as a "teenage show actor" for the rest of my life. I want to be remembered as the girl who played Hanna Marin on the most popular teenage show of our time, and a person who's character influenced and was adored by millions. Of course I had no say in this matter.

Growing up is a pile of shit, if I could I wouldn't but is inevitable. I think of my life as kind of a story, it has a strong beginning middle and end. Hundreds of chapters, thousands of words but only one book, you've only got one shot. I don't believe in reincarnation, if I did I would wanna come back as a lion. Top predator, in control, the complete opposite to myself. So in my eyes you've only got one life and I feel like right now in this moment in time I'm wasting it. I could be back home, auditioning for movies and shows doing something meaningful but instead I'm the other side of the continent going to the gym every day. At least working out makes me feel a little healthier and a bit better about myself. Many people call it a downwards spiral, I see it as a plummet to rock bottom if you ask me. But enough on that, too depressing...