I Will Be... Perfect

Chapter 3 - "All These Lives"

I sit alone in my room as I do all night every night. Only difference is that I feel happy? Could this be really happening? I am happy.. Smiling.. Reading texts from a guy that I would never have texted me such things and actually sound like he means them. But look at me.. I'm too fat to be loved at all.

'I hope you plan on coming to see me soon' I say to my friend Daniel, whom I had met at Corse Central High when I transferred to "see my boyfriend more" - Which only turned into us fighting a lot more. Fuck I hate David..

'Of course, I miss you so much! I am going to give you the biggest hug when I see your beautiful face' he replies. He is such a cutie, I wish with all my heart he could only be one year older and be the same age as me.. I'm moving to Saint Georgia in 5 months give or take.

'Awee, I'd love that.. But you know what I'd love more? A kiss..' I reply, am I seriously flirting with a really cute 16 year old? 'Look at yourself, You're nasty, Like he would EVER look at you as if you're anything other than a fuck' I tell myself, while awaiting a reply...

'That can be arranged ;) I'd love to do much, much more than that ;)'

'Oh really? ;) Well I'd like to see what you have to offer..'

'Haha, you won't be able to walk straight for days ;) You're gorgeous'

'Haha, Well I'm a biter, hopefully you won't have to take your shirt off for the next few days after :P' I reply shaking, No I don't normally do this sort of 'hook up' thing, but I need to get David out of my head. It's said that, to get over one, get under another.. So I'm going to try it...

'I'd probably take off my shirt just to show people how incredible you are' he replies, and I think to myself, Bahahahaha, this kid is seriously still trying to convince me to sleep with him, does he not know he already has it once he wants to come get it?

'lol, I'm nothing to brag about, look at me. I'm just a nobody' So true.. My friends don't even realize what I have been doing to myself..

'Are you kidding me? You're somebody to me, I would love to be yours and brag about you' he replies, and I'm just about ready to scream, I've always had a kiddie type crush on Daniel, but nothing would ever get serious between us, at least I don't think..

'Awee.. Thanks Daniel, that means a lot, but you don't need to convince me to sleep with you..'

'You think I'm convincing you to do that? Pffffft no.. I'm just making you aware that I want to ask you out so badly, I just need to fix some shit first'   Inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, I can't breathe, I don't think I have felt this way towards anyone, It's like an old spark just got relit..

'I've got to get to bed, Long day tomorrow, but you've got me, now all you have to do is ask the question and I'm yours.. Goodnight' OH MY GOD!! I cannot believe this kid admitted to wanting to be my boyfriend so badly. David wasn't even like that when me and him broke up and got back together, he would always say things like 'You're the best babe' and 'I love you so much, more than the world' But I don't believe that bullshit no more, Look at what he has done to me? Calls me fat once, and not even to my face.. To my friend.. No he didn't take my virginity, but I felt finally ready for sex, with David.. I was with him for so long.. I just didn't know any better.. But I'm trying my best to move on, and I will.. I WILL BE PERFECT!

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The Next day I sit at home doing random shit on my ipod and I see all these kids on tagged who are al like 'hey sexy guuurl, wanna hang out sometimee? ;)' and I'm thinking, bahaha yeah as if.. I go into the washroom to wash my piercings clean, I just got 2 new additions to my 'collection' on my face. I got Angel Bites added to my Snake bites, making them Canine/Dog bites. My mom always looks at me in disgust because I have 8 piercings on my face, and 5 are around my mouth. Not to mention my pretty big spacers.. Although I'd love to have much bigger ones..  I won't gross my mom out any more..

As I look at the floor, I see the scale.. I'm worried because it has only been 4 days since I checked my weight last, and I know I couldn't have lost any more.. But I'm too tempted to not check.. 179.6 pounds it reads to me, I step off in shock, and step back on and it reads 179.6 pounds again. I cannot believe I lost nearly 6 pounds in 4 days.. Now that I think about it, I don't remember eating at all since the day before I'd weighed myself..

So not eating actually works.. I need to take new pictures to see my 20 pound drop since 200, I need to see images, so I run into my room and take a new picture and look at the difference. 'Thats nothing you worthless piece of shit, look at those bulges coming out from under your bra, you sicken me' Ana yells at me.. Ana is my new friend I met last week, while out on my run, she comes over every day to help me stay on track with her, she is so skinny but its making me envy her body all the time and it pushes me to keep pushing harder.

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The more I look at my self in the mirror I realize how fat I really am. I look down at my arm, but there is no room left to cut, and I'm too sloppy with my left hand, I need to cut so badly.. I look down at my leg and see a perfect spot to cut. No matter how skinny I get I'll never show that much of my leg, unless in a bathing suit. I begin to cut as a Favourite band of mine begins to play, Daughtry. They always make me melt with their sad songs, and make me want to jump around with their rocker type songs.

My favourite song of theirs is definitely "All These Lives" it can have to many meanings, I think of suicide during the song. I don't knwo why, But just the way its portrayed I see suicide being the heart and soul of this song from a family members eyes, or a boyfriends stance when their girlfriend commits suicide/self harms.

I need someone to stop me from doing this bullshit to myself. But David fucked me up so bad that I cant just be perfectly fine after... Daniel is the first I actually think I might have feelings for since that night...

As the razor bites my skin oh so gently, I exhale so lightly. I pull the razor downwards in a fast motion to cut deep enough to sting, but not enough to horribly scar. I can't leave scars because if I ever fucked up and showed my arm, my mom would be furious... I cut several times before stopping. I count after at the number of 17. Weird, that's my age. I checked MyFitnessPal today, I ate 1020 calories today, I want to purge oh so badly, but I must hold on. I can't start to purge because I know I may not be able to control it after a long period of time. It says I'll weigh not quite 10 pounds lighter than now. FUCK.

*******

I pick up my cell and text my friend Kyla to tell her the news I've lost another 5 pounds give or take, and she replies with 'You're doing great, Becca. Keep it up' Sometimes I just want to throw my phone at her, but I know she is only going along with how happy I must be here. But I'm not happy, I was to weight less.. A lot less.. With that I hop on my exercise bicycle and ride for about an hour, and when I get off the bike, my legs are like jello. Ana Looks at me and says 'You're kidding me right? One hour? Thats it? Come on, You need to work off the McDonalds you had today! Get your fat ass back on that bike and pedal hard for the next 30 minutes or I'll make you purge what you've eaten if you can't burn it off.' I just agree with her and get back on the bike. What was I thinking getting off the bike? Fuck I love this girl, she is so motivating.