Fly Away Home

XXIV - As it Was

My mother,

at that time not yet Maman

or Mum

but Mummy,

tall weeping willow tree

with hugs and kisses

(please)

but occasional

slaps in bathtubs

and shampoo in eyes

with fingers cleaning, scathing scalps

ow, teary eyes in bathwater,

twin next to me, (her turn next)

and loud angry voices

with raised hands

and I know,

it's Simone and me again

twin tantrums, pulling hair

cutting hair, scratch marks,

bite marks, pinch, slap,

yell, scream, cry, 'she started it'

'I don't care who started it,

sort it out between the two of you'

pinch, scream, cry

(I was always the one crying,

the baby of us two)

and no apologies, no need.

Mummy and Scrumpy,

Scrumpy was the most beloved baby

for Mummy. And then,

Jen, but not Jen then but Jenny

my wonderful, beautiful big sister

tall as Mummy, another gushing

weeping willow tree, blonde and adoring

and so lovely, Jenny is Mummy's most loved

when she is home. Daddy is at work

or at the kitchen table or in Forest Stores

on Saturday mornings with me.

Corner Yoghurt, chocolate treat

(I don't remember my dad anywhere else then)

My brother, in his room, at the kitchen table

nowhere else, (I don't remember) I don't think

he ever loved me that much.

But Simone and I, competing for everything

and longing to be the favourite

and Simone takes the lead as eldest

and as most able,

and I am dragged in her shadow

in a cloudworld, dreamworld, fantasia

I enclose, cocoon

in the classroom

and wait in the toilets

when they're doing times tables

and I never, really paid attention.

(1st February 2014)